Red Ink and Vibrato

Fried like a worm on a summer sidewalk.

2009-08-01T09:49:00.000-07:00

You just can’t convince me that all of these worms were suicidal. What could make a worm so miserable, so disenchanted with their existence, so despairing of all hope? Bad soil? Lawn mowers? Post-sprinkler bird attacks?

No. I refuse to believe that any worm wakes up (assuming worms sleep) plotting his own demise. So there’s another reason for this large number of barbecued annelids. My guess is that they didn’t know what hit them: they slowly crawled in the wrong direction, disregarding the buddy rule and heedless to the heat and exposure of their path. Theirs is not a pretty death. They’re permanently mashed into the sidewalk, flattened beyond a relative’s recognition by a post-mortem shoe or tire.

Perhaps these fried worms aspired to be the first in their community to make it across the sidewalk alive. Or perhaps they were blissfully ignorant, or curious, or distracted, or negligent. Whatever their reason for being so reckless, they caught fire before they could turn and save themselves.

On a hot afternoon walk this past week, I took mercy on a worm writhing in the throes of near-death on the sidewalk—I kicked him back into the grassy lawn from which he came. I guess in a weird way I saw myself in him. Bear with me as I use these fried worms allegorically, but I see a lesson to be learned here. How many times have I made a series of small but bad choices, or even just lost track of where I was and what I was supposed to be doing, only to find myself in sin’s sizzling path?

Our heart naturally leads us off course: it is deceitful above all things and beyond cure (Jeremiah 17:9). Kris Lundgaard writes in The Enemy Within, “Wherever you go, whatever you do, the law of sin is with you step for step—in the best you do, in the worst you do. How often do you think about the fact that you carry around in you a deadly companion?”

The author of Hebrews warns us: “See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened [or fried or smashed] by sin’s deceitfulness.”

I wonder if the sidewalk worm would ever say with the apostle Paul, “For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” I hate this sidewalk (sin), but here I am, sizzling in its heat!

Oh, but “God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything” (1 John 3:20)! He has given us His Spirit, His Word, and His Church so that we keep from frying on that sidewalk. “He has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness” (2 Peter 1:3). He has provided us a lush, lavish, beautiful, grassy lawn in Himself—and the more we know and love Him, the more we hate the sidewalk of sin.

Swallow my pride. Grow an apple tree.

2009-07-21T23:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my pride is so thick, a steak knife couldn’t cut it. It’s all fatty and beefy and saucy and tough. I can’t swallow it, that’s for sure.

It would be fitting and humorous and effective in this blog to share some examples of my pride with you, but… I’m too proud. So I’ll leave you thinking I’m amazing. Likeable. Fun. Godly. Faithful. Successful. Loving. Talented. Worthy of being imitated. Better than you.

Are you still reading?

If there’s even a hint of true humility in me, it’s a work of God Himself. Nothing in me naturally wants to look out for your needs before mine. Not one iota of my flesh desires to reveal how inherently, disgustingly sinful I really am. And it is not easy for me to bow to God’s will above my own. I was born thinking that my way is best, I know what’s best, and I am the best.

Oh, but there is a cure for pride like mine. And it ain’t a bigger knife.

The ultimate remedy for our sinful condition is Jesus Christ and His death and resurrection. But God didn’t stop at the empty tomb. That would have been more than enough, more than we deserve (since we deserve hell); but He is so good to us that He promises to finish the work He began—conforming us to be like Him. (And that sounds so “Christianeez,” but becoming more like Him means wholeness and purpose and passion and fullness of joy and true freedom and peace and unbelievable glory and on and on....!!)

I think that one of the greatest of God’s conforming tools is much more painful than that steak knife. It’s the dreaded scalpel of…

Suffering.

John Bunyan put it this way in his Advice to Sufferers: “We also, before the temptation comes, think we can walk upon the sea, but when the winds blow, we feel ourselves begin to sink….And yet doth it yield no good unto us? We could not live without such turnings of the hand of God upon us. We should be overgrown with flesh, if we had not our seasonable winters. It is said that in some countries trees will grow, but will bear no fruit, because there is no winter there.”

My Lord faithfully sends the winds and winters to keep me from thinking that I can walk on water or grow apples on my own tree. I’m not better than anyone else. I’m not impressive or worthy of imitating. I’m not talented or successful. But I am deeply, unconditionally, infinitely loved by the One whose way is best, the One who knows what is best, and the One who IS the Best.

Corner on the Market

2009-07-14T15:53:00.000-07:00

I’m happy with my bran muffin and cup of black coffee this morning only because I don’t have a choice. Euro Café looked abysmal, but it was the only breakfast option inside the BWI security checkpoint near Gate C6.

After taking my first bite of said bran muffin (and I use the term “bran” loosely, as it definitely tastes more like a flour-butter-sugar cake with brown food coloring), I realized that Euro Café could serve five-day-old bread crusts with cheap icing and it would still stay in business, with a long line of malnourished travelers—asked to content themselves on miniscule bags of snack mix once en route. Euro Café is just lucky to have a corner on the market, or the competition would surely sink it within a week. (No—make that a day. I just took my first sip of coffee.)

And it strikes me that Jesus, being the Only Option we have for eternal life, could get away with a lot if He so chose. He could slack off or be mean or moody, or just decide to withhold His best and offer a cheap substitute. And He wouldn’t have to give an account to us or justify Himself or answer for the lack thereof because we don’t have any alternative. Want eternal life? You’ve got just one choice.

But instead of cutting corners and leaving us starving, He has given us everything, His very life, so that we could live abundantly. He makes Himself really, really, exceedingly good to us. He says He’s the Only Way and then gives us more in Himself than we can ever imagine or comprehend or fully enjoy. And He’s not good just for that first taste, but He’s also continually, increasingly good, ever surprising us with how great He truly is. I love how Psalm 63:5 puts it: “My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food.”

Our enemy and our flesh quickly deceive us with the classic lie: “God’s trying to cheat you out of something good.” Eve’s not the only one to fall for such a ridiculous lie. If we were completely honest, most of us would admit that we have at times believed God to be chintzy, cheap, withholding what would make us most happy or what seems best for us.

How little we understand about eternal realities. Oh, my soul, you have been given all you need in Christ—and more! “Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!” (Psalm 34:8)

Date at dawn

2009-04-03T19:18:00.000-07:00

It's 6:01 on Friday morning, and I'm at my neighborhood Panera Bread in the heights of Redlands. These days I get up between 4:30 and 5:00 to make it here by the time the doors open. My Bible and C.S. Lewis' "The Problem of Pain" sit beside my cup of coffee.

There's a group of old men that beats me to the door every morning. (One of them drives a red PT Cruiser and dresses as if he'll be attending the Santa Anita horse races this afternoon. I wonder what he looks like without that hat on.) The men take up the two tables by the door and talk for hours on end.

Another old man sits by himself a few tables away and reads through his Coke-bottle glasses. He carries a manila folder with a big superman-like S drawn on the front. I'd like to know what's in that folder.

Then there's a quiet Asian woman whose hair is always pulled back into a ponytail and who reads her Bible and journals--and then slips out quietly around 6:45. Once or twice a week, six medical doctors convene at the big conference table in the middle of the restaurant. They eat bagels and talk about important stuff.

The classical music doesn't start playing until about 6:15, just about the time one of the Panera employees pulls the cafe umbrellas outside. But I don't think I've ever seen anyone sitting outside this early in the morning. It's too cold. Too dark.

Of all the Panera regulars, my two favorites are about to walk through the door: two Redlands High girls whom I became friends with in this corner of the restaurant last Monday morning. I wonder if any of the students at our school would, of their own volition, get up and go sit at a coffee shop at 6:30 in the morning?

The periwinkle sky has just caught my eye, and it looks like the midnight's lighthearted storm left behind some billowy remains. It's beautiful. Everything is wet and cloudy and peaceful. Just what my heart needs before my day full of responsibilities that far exceed my capabilities.

Which is why my favorite part of Panera is the part that's unseen and indescribable. Unbeknownst to everyone around me, there's someone else at my table with me. I walk in here every morning in desperate need of more than just coffee. (Although that's pretty important, too.) I need Him. His words. His truth. His hope. His wisdom. I need to lay my day before Him and ask Him for His strength and joy.

And He gives it in abundance. He's not stingy or aloof or grumpy. He's eager to accomplish His purposes in and through me--if I'll only let Him, ask Him, wait for Him to do just that.

I want to be a regular with Jesus. I want to know what He's like and what He's up to each day. I want to sit and observe and listen and learn. And then do. I want to go from here and obey what He's spoken to my heart.

Thank You, Lord, for this little corner. This healing place. This daily cup of joy...

Twelve Beans and the Shining Man (Part IV)

2009-03-19T21:02:00.000-07:00

And then four things happened all at once. Colette suddenly felt exhausted; the sky grew ominously black; the weeping willow tree withered; and a beautiful woman dressed in white and carrying a small black box stood before her.

The woman was stunning. More beautiful than any woman Colette had ever seen, even among princesses and queens. And yet she was old. Old and wrinkled, with white hair and sparkling eyes and skin that seemed to be ablaze. Which made her beauty almost terrifying to Colette.

The sky was so low and dark that Colette felt she could reach up and touch the storm clouds with her hands. And she would have done just that, had she not been so very, very exhausted.

The beautiful woman took a step closer to Colette and looked at her with those eyes that sparkled. Like the diamond bean sparkled, thought Colette.

“You ate the beans?”

It wasn’t really a question. The woman was both accusatory and compassionate, disappointed and hopeful. Either because of her fatigue or fear, Colette could not answer.

“You ate them?” she pressed.

A long silence. The sparkling eyes would not let go of Colette’s heavy ones. Finally, Colette mumbled, “I heard a voice.”

The black clouds seemed eager to swallow Colette.

“A voice?”

“Yes. No, no—a hiss,” Colette stammered. “It told me to eat the beans.”

The beauty leaned close, cupped Colette’s face in her aged hands, and whispered with diamond tears in her eyes, “And for that, you will lose everything.”

Then in one graceful movement, she beckoned the weeping willow come back to life, removed from her neck a silver chain that held a small silver spade, and placed the black box and spade necklace into Colette’s right hand.

To be continued...

Twelve Beans and the Shining Man (Parts I, II, III)

2009-03-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

It was once believed that deep, deep in the wooded hills of Camberly, grew twelve magical beans—beans that would instantly grant ultimate happiness to the one who discovered them.

Many a man, woman, and child had searched tirelessly for the coveted beans, but to no avail. After hundreds of years of futile searching, the beans finally became legend and the hills in turn became lonely and forgotten, overgrown with vegetation and populated by a handful of strange folk.

Once upon a time, the Lord and Lady Locklear of Camberly gave birth to a baby girl, bestowing upon her the name Colette. She was a headstrong and willful child, given to passionate bouts and tantrums, creative deceptions, and strong desires. Nothing could satisfy her, no one could please her, and she grew into a spoiled young woman of sixteen. In their utter exasperation, the Lord and Lady sent Colette away to live in the hills of Camberly with an old aunt who cared nothing at all for the child but who promised to cure her of all vain and selfish ambition.

Colette hated the aunt, her humble home and simple lifestyle, and the wooded hills—which seemed to her the worst of prisons. Gone were the days of galas and gallantry, suitors and society. Here in the hills were hard work and tedious hours of listening to the strange aunt talk and sing—mostly about beans. Twelve stupid beans, thought Colette. Beans that would grant happiness to lonely, quirky, old deluded ladies who had nothing else to dream about.

It was only on her long walks after supper each day that Colette felt free from the aunt’s strangeness and chores and suffocating little house and—beans. Her daily walks took her deeper and deeper into the wooded hills, and Colette hoped with all her might to find an opening in the dense brush—an opening that would lead her back home, or perhaps to another lovely place full of princes and pampering, leaving this prison far behind her.

One day, on one of these walks, Colette stumbled upon a little clearing and a perfectly stone-paved path that ran up the side of a very steep hill. The path was as treacherous as it was steep, but it was beautiful—over-canopied with white trees and lined with ivy and daffodils, honeysuckles and tulips. Beside it ran a clear stream that tinkled like a million tiny bells. Colette had never seen anything so lovely. Surely she had stepped into the pages of a storybook.

She decided to make the climb, but as she took her first step, a sparkling object at her feet caught her attention. There before her grew a plant with heart-shaped leaves and—Colette sucked in her breath as she counted—one… four… seven… yes, twelve beans dangling in webby pods of silver.

(Now at this point in most fairytales, Colette’s character would undoubtedly have experienced great joy over finding the legendary magical beans and immediately reached out to retrieve them. But in Colette’s case, as she had never known anything outside of the realm of the explainable, the reasonable, the material, the spoiled, she was really quite terrified at her first introduction to magic.)

Colette’s heart beat fast as she knelt down beside the plant, and her hands trembled as she reached a finger out to touch the silvery, webby pod. It would have felt slightly sticky to the touch, but it dissolved too quickly for Colette to notice. The pod disappeared and the first bean fell to the ground.

Colette blinked at its brilliant color. Then she looked around, half-expecting the color to have awakened the beans’ long-lost treasure-seekers. Nothing happened, and no one appeared; yet Colette was keenly aware of another presence; she had sensed it immediately upon her discovery of the bean plant. A chill ran up her spine. But the beans beckoned, and she reached again to grasp a second. The pod again dissolved, but this time Colette was ready—and she caught a radiantly white bean in her still-trembling hand. The third bean was black; the fourth and fifth candescently orange; the sixth was as a mirror; the seventh, eighth and ninth constantly changed colors; the tenth was deep purple; the eleventh was a red so red it hurt her eyes; and the twelfth was as a diamond.

Perhaps this was the first time Colette had ever found herself at a loss for words. And it was certainly the first time she had ever felt terrified, fearful for her very life. She knew she had stumbled upon the aunt’s twelve magic beans—and the greatest hidden treasure of all time. But being the vain and self-absorbed girl she was, Colette found comfort in her fear by the conviction that she, of all people, was the only rightful, worthy finder of such a treasure.

Again she looked around, and then tiptoeing—as if to elude an unseen predator—Colette took refuge under a white weeping willow tree that seemed to appear out of nowhere. The branches hung large and low, and Colette felt a small sense of security in its cover. Now what? she pondered as she stared unflinchingly at her coveted beans.

And then a small tune, a tune she had considered irritating and ridiculous only hours before, began to play in her head. It was the voice of the aunt singing…

Indescribable and white,
These beans will grant you fullest life.
Black protects you from all harm,
Orange brings wealth; purple charm.
Mirror, mirror in a bean:
Beauty rarely to be seen.
Multicolored boldest beans
Fulfill your deepest lifelong dreams.
Red brings honor, value, worth.
Diamonds are true love on earth.

Colette had forgotten all fears now, and in uncontained excitement, she jumped to her feet and began to dance and sing the song of the beans.

And then, just as suddenly, she stopped to hear another tune play in her head—a tune the aunt had sung in a low, foreboding tone.

Twelve beans, once found
Bury deeply in the ground.
Climb the path, watch and wait.
A guide, a guard, a gift of fate.
Go in haste; don’t hesitate!

Colette’s countenance clouded over as a storm, and she proudly declared aloud to willow and stream that she would never dream of burying such beans. What a waste! The writer of that song was bitter and jealous because she couldn’t find the beans herself! Bury the beans! What utter nonsense! However, despite her confident rejection of the song’s directive, Colette felt unsure of what to do. How should she enact the beans’ magical powers?

As she sat staring and contemplating, a small voice hissed at her from deep within the willow tree: “Eat the beans.”

“Eat the beans?” she asked in trepidation.

There was no answer to her question. Colette looked from willowy branch to weeping limb, but no voice nor body was to be found.

Eat the beans… It was true that eating them made much more sense than burying them. But how could she be sure? She held a bean to her nose and smelled it.

It smelled better than the best palatial meal she had ever been served as a child. Why, of course she should eat them! Impulsively she stuffed all twelve beans in her mouth, chewed and swallowed in great pleasure and anticipation, and then waited…

I've been thinking about...

2009-02-17T22:14:00.000-08:00

...Colette's fate.

...the importance and beauty of being involved in a local church, and being accountable and under authority.

...God's love and purpose for our brokenness and humility.

...how very patient the Lord is with me, as I still wrestle constantly with sin.

...how to find more hours in my day so I can write about what I'm thinking about.

...tomorrow morning's cup of coffee. (Yes, I know I have a problem.)

...the $900 tab to fix my car today.

And so this blog is scanty, but it breaks a two-month hiatus and motivates me to write about my musings in the very near future.

She laughs.

2008-12-02T23:00:00.001-08:00

I can be a stresser.

Mostly because I like to have my ducks in a row, be ahead of the curve, give my whole heart to the task at hand, and please everyone. All of which is absolutely impossible and ridiculous with the pace of life we all keep, right? Everyone I talk to is in over their heads right now.

So I want to be like that renowned Proverbs 31 woman, who can laugh at my future (like tomorrow, when my workday starts at 6:45 a.m. and doesn't end till 9:30 p.m., and somehow I'm supposed to be student council advisor, teacher, counselor-administrator, play director, and chaperone, all in one day).

I wrote a poem last May with a message that so many of you friends model for me. I want to learn this!

She laughs.
And all while the papers keep piling,
There’s way too much filing;
Justin stuck gum on his desk.
Her car needs new tires,
A good set of pliers
Would help fix the tub’s leaky mess.
Her phone keeps on ringing;
Tomorrow morning she’s bringing
Juice and bagels for Period 1.
Her love life? You’re kidding.
She’s waiting (though not sitting)
Till God’s Mr. Right comes along.

She laughs.
At the future, the days yet to come.
And she won’t come undone
In the pushing and pulling.
For the secret to laughter,
Is found in the hereafter
And trying to please only One.

Let's laugh hard today!

Every November...

2008-11-29T10:09:00.000-08:00

The siblings at our annual Homemade Pumpkin Pie Night last week, taking crazy pictures (with a camera suspended from the ceiling fan) while the three pies baked.

Learning to Love

2008-11-29T00:58:00.000-08:00

I’ve had a day of sweet conversations with dear women (my mom this morning; two of my married friends, Emily and Cassandra, over coffee this afternoon; and two single friends, Tiff and Jayna, at my place late tonight). Our talks had very little to do with guys, but they sparked some thoughts which now become tonight’s blog.

How can we single girls love men sincerely and selflessly--in the midst of a sexually saturated and self-absorbed culture?

Now before you read on, please understand: I am no expert in this area of relationships! In fact, I have more questions than ever before. But I have such a desire to learn how to love my brothers in Christ, how to honor God in the midst of the messiness of relationships, and how to live by principle—and not just passion.

So here are a few things that have either helped me along the way or that I still desperately want to learn:

Pursue: sincere love. (“Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart.” 1 Peter 1:22)

Pray: for your brothers’ purity. (If my struggle as a woman is this intense, I can only imagine what guys are going through!) When you see him take that second glance, shoot up a prayer, “Lord, help him right this minute. Give him strength to fight lust and think on what is pure and lovely and right and true…”

Practice: patience. Wait on God, not on a man. We’ll need to do this for the rest of our lives, as wives and mothers too, and today just gives us another opportunity to set our hope on the Lord and wait for His timing and purposes in our lives. (“He acts for those who wait for Him.” Isaiah 64:4)

Promise: nothing—outside of a relationship. Don’t give all your precious time, energy, emotions, physical affections, and daydreams to a man who isn’t interested in you enough to pursue a relationship with you. If he’s not committing, you shouldn’t either. ("Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23)

Privatize: your parts. Girl, your boobs, legs, and butt do not need to be hanging out for anyone but your man! And then, within your marriage, let it all hang out all the time! ("But among you there must not be even a hint of immorality, or of any kind of impurity." Ephesians 5:3)

Purpose: that Christ will be your first love—whether you are single, dating, engaged, or married. No man can or ever will be God. (Let man be man and God be God!)

Provide: a safe place. From your inward motivations to your outward body language, let yourself be a woman who is beautifully safe for a man to know and be around. Are you prodding him on sexually, or are you encouraging him in the Lord? ("But encourage one another...so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:13)

Preach: truth to yourself. Don’t listen to your emotions; command them! (“The heart is deceitful and desperately wicked; who can know it?” Jeremiah 17:9 “…whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and He knows everything.” 1 John 3:20)

Praise: the Lord continually. He gives and He takes away. He is always good, and He knows what He’s doing. And He’s wise enough to not always give us what we think we’ll die without.

Like I said, I am no expert, but boy do I want to learn and live these principles! Wish I could have one more conversation today—with you. I'd love to hear your insights, thoughts, wisdom, feedback…

.

Wrapped around his little finger....

2008-11-09T21:55:00.000-08:00

I mean, really--do they get any cuter than this?

(Okay, so my "niece" Claire--my best friend Christy's li'l girl--is a close runner-up.)

And Tuesday I'm off to the high desert to see two more of my beautiful "nephews" (Mike and Lisa Hamel's darlings). I love children so much, and I'm blessed to be an aunt many times over!

(And even if my future children come out looking like bug-eyed sticks [see picture of me below], I will love them with all my heart. I just wish you friends and family would stop setting such unreachably high standards.)

Always keep a sense of humor.

2008-11-06T19:49:00.000-08:00

And don't take yourself too seriously.

The power of life and death

2008-11-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

Tonight a few Proverbs are faithfully convicting and encouraging me to be careful little tongue, what you say. What I say reveals the condition of my heart, and how I talk about others shows so much of what I believe about God.

If I understand God's forgiveness even in the smallest way, how can I ever criticize or ridicule or talk down about another person?

How can I flatter someone to their face and then turn around to whisper my true feelings behind their back?

How can I share a "prayer request" or "concern" that puts someone else in a bad light?

May my heart be so filled with God's grace and love and truth that my tongue overflows with the same.

"The tongue has the power of life and death." Proverbs 18:21

"He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity." Proverbs 21:23

"A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin." Proverbs 26:28

"Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he hold his tongue." Proverbs 17:28

One of the sweetest gifts I could ever give to a friend is the promise that I will never talk about them in a way that would embarrass, humiliate, criticize, or shame them. If I have a concern, may I always tell them to their face--and not someone else behind their back.

O Lord, guard our mouths. Keep us from words that injure, flatter, and deceive. We are totally incapable of reigning in our tongues, but You love to do the impossible!

Imagine that.

2008-10-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

I love acting.

I love opening that new script for the very first time, getting fitted for a costume, and blocking scenes for tedious hours on end. And then there's the adrenaline rush of opening night, the stage lights (which will always hold a certain charming appeal), the forgotten prop, the caked-on make-up, the five-second costume change, the hard-earned audience laughter, and the mic tape on my face.

But what I love most about acting is--the acting. I'm enthralled with becoming another person. It's a mysterious journey that begins with reading my character's lines off a page of the script and ends when I actually embody her--moving and responding and thinking and looking like this total stranger.

Okay, you're judging me now, aren't you? Was it when I said "embody her"? Yes, that's strange, I'll admit. But think about it: When you were little, you could drop to your knees and bark like a dog and chase an imaginary ball, and no one thought twice about it. You became a dog for those few minutes--and it was stinkin' fun!

But somewhere along the line, we all grew up and stopped... imagining. We learned the harder side of life and we learned the danger of being innocent and naive, and in the process we suffocated our imaginations. Being realistic and pragmatic defined our adulthood.

But then, how do we even begin to deal with eternal realities if we can no longer imagine? If experience and reason alone dictate reality, what are we to do with the miraculous, the supernatural, the infinite?

Which is why I love acting. I'm forced to exercise my atrophied imagination, to think outside my little world, to wonder and explore and create to my heart's content.

And in the process, I understand a bit more of what it means to take on another identity. God has given me a perfect script in His holy Scriptures, and He has cast me as His new creation. This righteous creation could not be more different than my old sinful self. For me, the toughest part of acting is to think like another person. It may be easy to act like them, but to think like them? In the same way, it's relatively easy to act like a Christian, but to think like one? To react and respond like one? To have impulses and desires like one? I must let the Author's script and Spirit shape my heart and mind until the new creation upstages the old.

When a director casts me as a penniless widow, well, then--a penniless widow I will be. When my God, Creator, Sustainer, and Lord tells me I am a new creation--well, then, a new creation I will be. I will study the Script, I will think new thoughts, and I will act in obedience for the applause of One great audience.

`

Like mental wallpaper

2008-10-12T16:28:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my mom and her faithfulness to post Scriptures all around the house when we were growing up, Zephaniah 3:17 has long been one of my favorite verses. These few words are jam-packed with truths about God's character and who I am in relation to Him. I love it!

My friend David Arevalo and I put the verse to music a few years ago, so we could have it stuck in our heads and hearts. Truth wallpapered on the walls of our minds. Glory oozing out of our pores.

But a little disclaimer: I've had the darndest time trying to upload this thing to Blogger, so the cheesy video clips below are the result of a desperate attempt by a very technically challenged woman. Close your eyes and forgive me, won't you? =)

(And yes, it is silent for the first several seconds...)

30-Something in Singleville

2008-10-01T21:41:00.000-07:00

I am far too exhausted to be blogging. I want to sleep for more than four hours tonight. But I'm in desperate need of a captive audience for a light-hearted monologue on a topic I usually try to avoid:

Singleness.

It's weird here in Singleville at 30-something. Sometimes it feels a lot like living in a Dr. Seuss book or having tea with the Mad Hatter. College guys still flirt around; older men talk marriage even before a first date.

Advice is predictable: "When you're content in Jesus, He will bring the man along" and "When you least expect it, you'll meet him!" (Well, some days contentment is an hourly struggle; other days, it comes easily. Isn't it that way for everyone in every season of life? Or have some people arrived prematurely?) Other favorites: "Maybe you should go to a church that has a singles group" and "Have you tried E-Harmony?" I've visited church singles groups and I've tried E-Harmony. Both are terrifying. Perhaps the most boggling one is: "Singleness is so much better than marriage. Be thankful you're single." (But then why did you get married? I don't understand. Am I slow?)

Set-ups are to be avoided at all costs. The few I've agreed to have been... awkward... at best.

Older men check me out now. I mean, older. That's weird.

The pool of eligible men my age is now full of divorcees with kids. That's weird, too. (Not out of the question, because we all have our baggage, but the potentials used to be young guys fresh out of college, ya know?)

It's funny here. But in the midst of the comedy (and oftentimes the tears), there's a lot of beauty in this place. I love that the Author of Life, with perfect pen in hand, writes a story worth the telling. His fingers never slip as He scripts the climaxes and conflicts, the cliffhangers, the antagonists and protagonists. He is all mystery and adventure and comedy and romance. Once upon a time I imagined a very different story, but I've come to enjoy this Author's style much more than my own.

I love what I've learned in these years of singleness. I treasure the time I've had to prepare for the Great Wedding, when all of this waiting and wondering will make complete sense. Something more than my own personal security and happiness is at stake here.

A sovereign God calls me to an adventure far greater than I could ever have planned. Adventure is made of pleasure and pain, uncertainty and risk, faith and hope. I'm still as excited as ever about marrying a godly man someday--if my God writes that chapter. If not, He is far more than all I could ask or imagine. Earthly marriage is created to be only a small glimpse of the infinitely perfect marriage that awaits us...

And so I wait on Him for both.

Three questions for a crazy week ahead...

2008-09-28T21:26:00.000-07:00

1. What is the most important thing in life?

2. What kind of woman do I want to be one year from now? (And what choices can I make today to help me become that woman?)

3. How can I take today's stresses and turn them into thanks?

From one unapologetically proud aunt

2008-09-24T19:03:00.000-07:00

Aaron David Langley: noun, adorable baby boy who brings joy and delight to all who meet him; a small, irresistible male child; one who has the ability to wrap everyone around his little finger.

"I can do it." (And other myths that mess me up.)

2008-09-24T00:06:00.000-07:00

Let's take, for example, my job.

I love my job more than ever. Actually, I can't believe I get paid to go to work. This year, I'm splitting my time 50/50 between teaching English and administrative-counseling duties. I work like a dog, but at the end of each long day, it's an unbelievably happy, fulfilling exhaustion. If ever I felt like God fitted me for a task, this would be it.

BUT the insidious danger lies in that very statement. I'm made for this. God has given me strengths and giftings to serve Him in this way. And all of a sudden, "Look! I can do it!"

During the last week, I've gotten to sit with brokenhearted teen girls, kick off my heels at lunch to play soccer with middle school boys, teach Shakespeare and linking verbs, write encouraging notes to students, plan our middle school play, and sit in a dunk tank for a school fundraiser.

And creeping, creeping stealthily in is this constant temptation to rely on self, to find pleasure in my own strength, to glory in my giftings.

Which are nothing really.

Aside from God's grace, I'm a lawsuit waiting to happen. Or a stupid comment away from being fired. Or just plain ol' ineffective in reaching some really needy kids.

"Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit..."

And so the Lord graciously allows needs and weaknesses and brokennesses in my life that run so deep, I can't find the end of them. Sometimes He lets His children be "so utterly burdened beyond our strength ... to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead" (2 Corinthians 1:8,9).

He must love it when I begin my morning something like, "Today is way beyond me. I can't do anything apart from You. Help me be fruitful and effective. Strengthen me to do what brings You glory!"

And if that's found in the midst of humiliation or failure, so be it. I've plenty of those stories too... but that's another blog.

I'm in love.

2008-09-16T17:13:00.000-07:00

Four weeks ago yesterday...

My Sis-in-law constantly amazes and blesses me... She is a beautiful, radiant mommy.

David is such a phenomenal daddy... and Aaron looks SO much like him!

Yesterday I was singing "The Ugly Bug Ball" to Aaron, and this was the look I got... Actually it was more like a stare. Just not sure if he was staring in fascination or terror.

What thrills me most

2008-09-12T23:50:00.000-07:00

I arrived on the edge of a hurricane. It was only fitting: my girls' weekend in Washington, D.C., with Karen and Carlynne begged a dramatic beginning. It was to be the weekend of a lifetime.

I spent the majority of last Saturday safe inside Carlynne's sweet home, playing with her little Caleb, and watching sheets of hot rain masquerade as a tropical storm.

Saturday night cleared up just in time for our outing to Wolf Trap to see my favorite musical, Les Mis. Then Sunday came, and I found myself standing three feet away from our President, Karen Hughes, and Rascal Flats on the Front Lawn of the White House.

Monday night was a dream-come-true Celine Dion concert, and Tuesday morning was a breathtaking breakfast in the West Wing of the White House.

I don't think I'll ever again experience anything like those four days. (All compliments of dear Karen. Unbelievable.) My head was spinning by the time I strapped myself in on Delta Flight 847 to return home Tuesday afternoon.

But as I sat in my blue-vinyl aisle seat with a complimentary bag of peanuts and my knees up to my chin, I was struck to realize that these thrills paled in comparison to the thrill I experience when I spend time in my Lord's presence. And I'm not being hyper-spiritual here. I constantly struggle to study the Word, to pray, to seek the Lord with all my heart. Why it's a struggle will always boggle me, though, for when I do spend time with God, my heart is softened, my mind is sharpened, and the innermost places of my soul are filled with peace, wisdom, faith, joy, hope, healing, and purpose.

West Wing breakfasts, political power, and divas who can bring down the Verizon Center a cappella, can't hold a candle to the King of kings--who alone prepares a feast that will never leave us hungry (John 6:35), gives us the power of His Holy Spirit (Acts 1:8), and whose voice strips the forests bare (Psalm 29).

If I was invited to have Saturday brunch with Celine in her home, I wouldn't miss it for the world. (Are you kidding me?!) But I am daily invited to so much more: to share all of life with the Creator of the world and the Savior of my soul.

Tonight let's accept the invitation, enter into the presence of Almighty God, and know the thrill of knowing Him more. He puts all other thrills to shame.

(In less noteworthy news, today my middle school counseling responsibilities included cleaning up a food fight involving a birthday cake and a bunch of hormonally imbalanced 13-year-olds. Last weekend already feels like such a distant memory.)

I hate when I hurt people.

2008-09-01T16:06:00.000-07:00

And I hate letting people down, disappointing them, or knowing someone is angry with me.

I guess I just hate being a sinner. Falling so far short of perfect. Wrestling with weakness...

Rachel Tulloch poignantly confirms that "this is why God’s love is terrible. Think of what it includes: us, with our best and our worst, with our failed attempts and outright cruelty, with our wrong motives for right actions and our right motives for wrong actions... us, with the mess we have made of the world, with our brokenness and despair, with our rebellions and inadequacies. We are the ones included in and redeemed by the deep and wide love of God. Paul is astonished by this reality when he emphasizes that Christ died for us while we were still sinners! (Romans 5:8)."

God's infinitely perfect love is not simply a sweet, storybook love; it's a disturbing love: He loves me even when I inadvertently or willfully hurt someone else He loves. And He loves them when they hurt me.

His love forgives and forgets my sin. It's not sin swept under the rug; it's sin that was heaped on the body of Jesus. He didn't just cancel the debt; He paid it. As Tulloch explains, "The master takes the loss." And I walk away rich.

That's truly terrible love. And love that makes me love right back with all of my heart.

Prayer in temptation

2008-08-20T12:54:00.000-07:00

Make no provision,
Not one small glance;
Shut the door fast
So there’s not a chance
Of compromise,
Of one “small” sin
Or diversions that
Let immoderation in.

It will not do then
To just ignore
The sin that beats
Down on my heart’s door.
Sin must be dealt with,
Ruthlessly killed
Utterly abandoned—
Oh, grant me the will!

The will and power
To love Your ways,
Hate what You hate
And run to obey.
You are a refuge,
Immovable, strong.
Fountain of pleasures,
Help me desire and long…

For You alone.

A few more pictures...

2008-08-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

He's here!

2008-08-17T22:05:00.001-07:00

Aaron David Langley was born at 3:35 p.m. today, weighing 7 lbs. 13 oz. He had a rough start (came out blue, cord wrapped around his neck, and had to be resuscitated), but he is doing beautifully now. He's just perfect.

Dad and Mom are doing well, too, despite a long and difficult labor. Heather was amazing--as always. She is going to be the most incredible mommy. And David is as I had imagined--a natural.

So another Langley boy has graced our family, and I have a sneaking suspicion that he won't need a crib. No one's gonna wanna put him down for five minutes...

Going for the gold (and a baby update)

2008-08-11T23:02:00.000-07:00

Like many of you, when I was young I dreamed of competing in the Olympics. But should I admit that I firmly believed I had the potential to run in the '96 Games? After outrunning a handful of girls on the soccer field and then watching Chariots of Fire for the hundredth time, I committed myself to an intense season of training: I ran up and down the block really fast, timing myself with a stopwatch.

During this brief but rigorous training stint, one thing was obvious: if I wanted to run fast, I needed to dress light. No parkas. No boots. No earrings or glasses or belts. Just a pair of shorts, a tank top, socks and shoes.

In his beautiful book The Grand Weaver, Ravi Zacharias (brilliant Indian philosopher and Christian apologist) writes:

"Susanna Wesley was a remarkable woman who gave birth to nineteen children. One can only guess the inner strength she must have had to raise John and Charles, two among many others who sat on her knee and learned from her to walk with the Lord. One day, John asked her to define sin. I doubt any theologian could have done better than she did: Son, whatever weakens your reasoning, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, or takes away your relish for spiritual things; in short, if anything increases the authority and power of the flesh over the Spirit, then that to you becomes sin, however good it is in itself.

Zacharias continues: "As a young man, David Livingstone prayed, Lord, send me anywhere, only go with me. Lay any burden on me, only sustain me. Sever any ties but the tie that binds me to Your service and to your heart."

Sever any ties.
Get rid of whatever weakens, obscures, impairs, and takes away.
Even if it's "okay" or "good" or "permissible" (1 Corinthians 10:23)...

Lord, give us the desire and discipline to "lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us" (Hebrews 12:1).

Because, in the end, don't we all want to win that gold?

P.S. - WE'RE STILL WAITING
Did I mention that Little Langley was due TODAY?! I've taken up singing to Heather's adorable pregnant tummy--songs like "Aaron, O Aaron, You're Darling but Tardy."

[Long, reflective silence.]

I just realized that I'm gonna be the weird aunt.

.

Live the Life

2008-08-09T01:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm a huge fan of Coldplay's new hook song, Viva la Vida. Accuse me of joining the bandwagon, and I'll unabashedly agree. The song has a terrific sound, reminiscent of U2. (I can never forget when a friend introduced me to Beautiful Day as we sped through a balmy autumn afternoon with the top down on her convertible. It was love at first sound. But this is a tangent.)

Whether you like the song or not, the lyrics--just dripping with biblical metaphors and references--are worth the read and some analysis, or at least a good discussion.

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become

Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter will call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter will call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

(Written by Guy Rupert Berryman, Jonathan Mark Buckland, Will Champion, Christopher Martin)

I know. You need to go listen to the song again, too. It's okay to program it to "repeat." Years later, and I'm still not weary of Beautiful Day...

Two chicken sandwiches and a slice of humble pie

2008-08-08T00:55:00.000-07:00

Some poor people stir within me a deep compassion, a mercy, an immediate desire to reach out and do whatever I can to help them.

Other poor people bug me. And then it bugs me that I'm bugged. Do you know what I mean?

A couple of weeks ago, I was walking out of a pet store (where I had gone for my occasional pet fix: every other month I wander through the bird, fish, and small rodent aisles--comparing prices, weighing pros and cons, and silently bemoaning the fact that I can't get a puppy) when a lady approached me to ask for money. She and her daughter were stranded and needed a hotel room for the night. I told her I don't give cash but would love to provide a meal for them.

It's always at this point in the conversation that I feel slightly self-righteous and incredibly discerning. I'm far too wise to contribute to a drug habit (as if "they" all have one), but I'm so full of mercy and love that I'll break the bank to buy "them" a meal.

With my halo sparkling atop my head, I offered to get two chicken sandwiches at the Chick-Fil-A across the street.

Suddenly, she had a husband in need of a chicken sandwich, too. This irked me.

With my halo now tipping precariously to one side, I started to head to the Home of the Original Chicken Sandwich when she added, "Oh, and if you get a meal with drinks, could you make it a Dr. Pepper and a Sprite?"

My halo made a lot of noise hitting the pavement. Are you kidding me, lady? I inwardly fumed as I caked on a good Christian smile. Ain't no way you're getting a drink, and you'll be lucky if I come back with your two (not three!)chicken sandwiches!

I stormed through the drive-through, I paid in a huff, and I drove back to that lady with her undeserved dinner.

And then it hit me. I am no better than this woman. In fact, she and I are very much the same. I too am poor, a beggar, in desperate need of stuff I can't afford. And my Lord does not ride by on a high horse, with fanfare and spiritual airs. He gives freely out of perfect mercy and grace--at great personal expense (His only Son). And while I demand a Dr. Pepper, He waits to give me much more than all I could ask or imagine, that which I need most: Himself. He, the spring of living water, promises that I will never go thirsty.

He doesn't distance Himself from me, never walks away irritated or disgusted, never withholds. He loves and gives, and then loves and gives some more.

Lord, teach me to live in the fullness of Your mercy... and then give away my mercy-filled life (not just chicken sandwiches) to other beggars like me.

Not much has changed.

2008-07-29T23:40:00.000-07:00

It was a kids' birthday party, for crying out loud. Two weeks ago, Christopher and Nathan had twelve of their friends over for water wars, and the party ended in a fight between siblings.

It was Jonathan's fault. He demanded a second ice cream sandwich, and I refused point-blank. No, sirree. You can be a glutton elsewhere, but not at your little brothers' birthday party. Save some ice cream for the kids, buddy!

The fight in pictures...

Thank heavens for Heather. Just look at the peace and serenity on my face as I sit with my sis-in-law... The Langley family desperately needed another female.

Order the Dehli Durbar!

2008-07-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

I'm overly excited about my new find. Last night two of my friends and I discovered a hole-in-the-wall Indian restaurant on Sunset Boulevard: Paru's Indian Vegetarian Restaurant. It's amazing.

www.parusrestaurant.com

Entrees are around $12, with plenty of food to feed two, and the ambiance is enchantingly and authentically Indian. I was giddy the whole time I was cramming the tasty fare down my throat.

Hope some of you can make it in the future... Or join me for my next visit. ;-)

Every season

2008-07-21T22:29:00.000-07:00

On my run tonight, I passed a soccer field where two girls’ teams were competing. In an instant, I was transported. Long nights under the lights in shin guards and cleats, sweaty nylon jerseys and itchy tube socks—beating the enemy to the ball and eating orange slices after the game. It didn’t get any better than that.

I played all four years of high school—and as they were for all of us, those years were challenging, exciting, and transforming. I was figuring out who I was, forming my convictions, falling flat on my face, developing new skills, and exploring a variety of interests.

Theater kept me out late on more than one occasion. Babysitting did not. (I love kids, but very few children were well behaved enough to induce me to spend hours with them.) Writing newsletters, short stories, poems, and stage plays (laughable material now) sealed my fate: I would forever be wed to a pen. Late-night street hockey with my brothers and Ben Flower, beach trips and driver's ed, church ministries, singing with Christine Lattimer and Roland Urgino, Katy's birth and Linda's death, Mexico ministry, and my first college visit…

And then there was the inevitable first battle with depression, loneliness in the midst of a crowd, friendships lost, personal failures, hormones, a crisis of faith, and… math. If I remember correctly, I cried through all four years of high school math.

Tonight I’m reminded again that every season of life has its unique joys and trials. It’s so tempting to long for summer’s heat in the midst of winter’s chill—and then gripe about the sweltering temperatures when June finally arrives. Comparing my season of life with yours doesn’t accomplish a heck of a lot either. You can’t have Christmas gifts in July, and I probably shouldn’t sunbathe at the beach in December. But in the words of my dear mom, we should “squeeze the joy out of every day we’re given,” making the most of winter in the winter months, and summer in its months too.

Today, whether there be snow falling outside your frosted window or a balmy sun beating down on your beachhouse, may you know the joy of living by faith and living to the fullest.

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

“He did good by giving you rains from heaven and fruitful seasons, satisfying your hearts with food and gladness.” Acts 14:17

Photos of the Week (My friends have the cutest babies ever!)

2008-07-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

My "niece" Claire Elaine, Thailand.

My "nephew" Caleb, Washington, D.C.

This blog will bug you.

2008-07-15T23:31:00.000-07:00

In the course of my 32 years, I’ve killed my fair share of gnats, ants, flies, mosquitoes, mosquito hawks, June bugs, beetles, rollie-pollies, spiders, and crickets. I’ve even bare-handed strange bugs in the middle of a class when a student—typically of the female gender—begins screaming over the realization that during lunch break her purse, book, or (heaven forbid!) her shirt became home to a new species of creepy-crawly.

Yes, I’ve grabbed that ugly beast, put on a formidable face, walked to the door while Bug writhed around in my sweaty palm (all feet and wings and buzzing), and thrown the demon out on his backside.

I’ve had other students—typically of the male gender—put my bug bravery to the test by thrusting lizards, frogs, or rubber bug imitations at my face. I haven’t screamed yet.

But there is one little pest I cannot tolerate. Just one. Let a bee sting me, a pincher bug pinch me, or a moth chew through my socks, but let a cockroach anywhere near me, and I come undone. I will scream (be it stifled or unbridled) every time.

As tradition would have it, our school hosts the annual California Cockroach Convention every summer. Cockroaches from all corners and crevices of California make the pilgrimage to our all-too-welcoming facility. From the women’s bathroom stalls to the teacher’s workroom to classrooms all over campus, large winged cockroaches are to be found drinking, lounging, chatting, and idling away the summer months.

This has presented too many traumatic scenarios for me to recount in this brief blog. But suffice it to say, I may finally surrender my flip-flop heels for closed-toe shoes and begin wearing hats when I go to the bathroom. (The toilet is an awfully vulnerable place to face your worst fear.)

I just realized I’ve been scratching myself as I write this. My skin is absolutely crawling.

Well, friends—whatever the cockroach may be in your life, I wish you peace, safety, courage, and a super-sized can of bug-killing spray.

Saving Seductive

2008-07-13T00:00:00.001-07:00

In a culture that lets it all hang out, I want to preserve a little mystery, femininity, purity. I want to be naked for one man only. I want to seduce just one man. I want to yield all of my womanly sexiness for him alone.

I’m hiding it, guarding it, keeping it for him. That is what sexy is all about.

On a drive into L.A. years ago, I saw a billboard advertising a brand of wine. It pictured a gorgeous guy and voluptuous girls hanging all over him; next to the bottle of wine it read, “The only thing that’s still pure in L.A.”

According to Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, pure is defined as unmixed with any other matter; free from dirt or taint; free from what weakens or pollutes; containing nothing that does not properly belong; free from harshness or roughness.

Ironic, isn’t it, that we covet purity in a car, a meal, a wardrobe, a sport, a paycheck, or a bottle of wine, but we taint our inmost parts—we actually chase after sexual impurity—as if our lives depended on it. It’s a race to see who can defile herself the fastest.

Our “bottle of wine” has been spit in, dumped out, mixed with dirt, roughed up, and we keep drinking. We joke about sex, dress to attract sexual attention, look at naked people for sport, and give out sexual favors without even thinking twice.

When my dad revisited the issue of pornography from the pulpit last Sunday, he said that it “hollows out a man’s soul.” When a woman offers her body visually or physically to men (it’s our warped way of trying to feel valuable, beautiful, loved), it hollows out her soul, too.

Sexual sin deforms the heart and mind until what is bad and harmful seems good and normal. If there’s anything that’s sucking the life out of our generation, hollowing out our souls, it’s sexual perversion. I sat next to a table of teenagers at Redlands’ Gourmet Pizza Shoppe on Thursday night and listened as one of the girls asked a guy, “Would you dig a hot girl, I mean a really hot girl—if she used to be a guy?”

How did we get here?

It’s the Church’s fault. No, it’s my fault. For compromising in the little things. For laughing at the inappropriate joke because I was afraid to speak up and look prude. For watching that movie. For dressing and acting seductively. For allowing lust a home in my heart and mind. For wanting to be lusted after. For that second and third glance.

Proverbs 5:15-23 may be the most poignant Scripture passage on this topic:
“Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman? For a man’s ways are before the eyes of the Lord, and He ponders all his paths. The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him, and he is held fast in the cords of his sin. He dies for lack of discipline, and because of his great folly he is led astray.”

Purity is definitely out of my reach. Except for the grace of God, the righteousness of Jesus, and the empowering of the Holy Spirit, I would have no hope of purity. My best efforts at holiness would look like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6).

Purity is such a precious gift. Matthew 5:8 says, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” And because it is so very precious and valuable, the battle for it is perhaps the toughest we will ever fight. Especially for us singles. With no sexual outlet, and hormones and passions that are raging, we face very unique challenges in the midst of a sexually saturated culture.

But God is stronger and better and rewards His obedient children. (As my Uncle Bob said, “God is not a debtor.” He never owes us!) Just as Moses “was looking to the reward” and so “considered the reproach of Christ greater wealth than the treasures of Egypt,” we too need to decide what is truly valuable and worth fighting for. Our world worships Sex. We worship Almighty God.

This week I’m praying for purity of heart, mind, and body. I’m praying I would “save seductive” for my future husband—and not let my springs overflow in the streets. I’m praying I would “shun evil” and “turn my eyes from worthless things.” Would you join me in these prayers? We’re all in this fight together, and we have a very powerful God who fights on our behalf and is forever for us! Let’s trust Him to do the impossible, to grant us grace and forgiveness in our sin and weakness, and to show Himself holy and good to a generation that desperately needs to see Him lived out in us.

“Therefore, put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.” James 1:21

This World is not Conclusion.

2008-07-11T15:07:00.000-07:00

This poem may make my Top 10. Amazing truths. Beautiful language. Emily Dickinson.

This World is not Conclusion.
A Species stands beyond—
Invisible, as Music—
But positive, as Sound—
It beckons, and it baffles—
Philosophy—don't know—
And through a Riddle, at the last—
Sagacity, must go—
To guess it, puzzles scholars—
To gain it, Men have borne
Contempt of Generations
And Crucifixion, shown—
Faith slips—and laughs, and rallies—
Blushes, if any see—
Plucks at a twig of Evidence—
And asks a Vane, the way—
Much Gesture, from the Pulpit—
Strong Hallelujahs roll—
Narcotics cannot still the Tooth
That nibbles at the soul.

Summer school started today and reminded me how much...

2008-07-07T22:22:00.000-07:00

I love teaching.

I love making myself get up early, picking out a snappy outfit and accessories, sipping on my morning coffee, driving through downtown Redlands over the cobblestone streets, and walking the school halls before the silence is broken by chaos.

I love the early morning smell of the halls (by afternoon, the smell has taken a decided turn for the worst), opening my classroom door to the sight of the white board crammed with yesterday’s grammar lesson, and the student who drops by before class just to chat.

I love making eye contact with my students as they walk through the door, to remind them that they are the highlight of my day—the reason I teach.

I love bantering with the witty boys and crouching beside the shy girl’s desk to hear her repeat her soft-spoken question.

I love giving high-fives to Steve and huge hugs to the twins. I love it when my students tease me about my gallon of drinking water or my hideous drawings.

I love interrupting an English lesson for a heart-to-heart talk about divorce or gossip or relationships, or to boast in who God is and show Him off to kids who need Him desperately.

I love it when old students come back to visit, try to make the transition from “Miss Langley” to “Colleen,” or drive me in their car to get coffee and catch up.

I love using my passion for drama and singing and writing and speaking to communicate what can easily be very dry and lifeless language concepts to teenagers. I love it when a student grasps one of these concepts and uses it in everyday life.

Teaching was the farthest thing from my mind when I graduated from college. But a sovereign God changed my course and then graciously granted me unexpected pleasures in my work. (Yes, it’s tough as nails sometimes, but my frustrations and shortcomings are far outweighed by the joys and the knowledge that this is what I’m supposed to be doing!)

And now back to lesson planning for tomorrow…

Because He loves to answer these requests!!

2008-07-06T22:02:00.000-07:00

This is what I'm praying for myself, my dear friends and family this week... That we:

1. "may be filled with the knowledge of His will" (Colossians 1:9)

2. would "store up Your Word in our hearts that we might not sin against You" (Psalm 119:11) and "be doers of the Word, and not hearers only" (James 1:22)

3. "love one another earnestly from a pure heart" (1 Peter 1:22)

4. "turn our eyes away from worthless things" (Psalm 119:37) and "shun evil" (Proverbs 3:7)

5. "fear the LORD your God, walk in all His ways, love Him, serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul" (Deuteronomy 10:12)

Knocking on the door of the brothel

2008-07-03T22:21:00.000-07:00

"At [God's] right hand are pleasures forevermore" declares the Psalmist (in chapter 16). And tonight I return to a question I have to ask myself often: what "lesser pleasures" are ruining me for pleasures that last?

In Ravi Zacharias' devotional, A Slice of Infinity, Jill Carattini writes...

"We live in a world for which the pursuit of pleasure is the most celebrated passion, and yet, our own restlessness in the midst of this boundless pursuit testifies to the timeless truth Augustine once declared: God has made us for Himself and our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee. In his candid manner, G.K. Chesterton declared similarly, 'A man knocking on the door of the brothel is knocking for God.'

"That the Song of Songs is included in the canon of Scripture is an affirmation of the goodness of human love and pleasure. But, like all expressions, it too has limitations. Pleasure for pleasure's sake alone can become devoid of meaning. Boundless pleasure can in fact become binding. Yet in its given context, human love and pleasure can point us to the triune God who in his very being is the source of all love."

Am I bound to pursuing pleasure in anything besides God? Am I a slave to pleasing myself? O Lord, don't let us settle for less than You, cheat ourselves out of Your pleasures, or waste this life on cheap passions.

Turn our steps away from the brothel door and let us find forever-pleasures in Your presence tonight.

A Spiritual Appetizer

2008-06-29T22:45:00.000-07:00

I've just had conversations with three different people about our mutual struggle with consistently having "quiet times." Let's admit it: it's tough to spend time with someone you can't see, hear, and touch with physical eyes, ears, and hands. It's definitely a discipline to use our spiritual senses. In the physical realm, we get hungry when we don't eat. But in the spiritual realm, when we don't eat from God's Word we actually lose our appetite for it. (And we get hungrier and hungrier the more we eat! Crazy how that works.)

Inspired by our common struggle, I'd like to serve up a spiritual appetizer: a week of working out our appetites so we're hungrier for more of God's Word and presence! If you're in, here's the plan...

During the first five days of July (this Tuesday through Saturday), we will daily spend:

- 5 minutes in prayer
- 5 minutes reading Deuteronomy 30 and Psalm 16
- 5 minutes in silence (meditating on and listening to the Scriptures we just read)

How fun would it be to know a bunch of people are reading the very same chapters every day and meditating on their truths together--around the world!

Um, and yes. Five minutes in undistracted prayer or silence is HARD. Sounds pathetic, but it's true. So if five overwhelms you, start with two a day! Remember, this is intended to create a bigger appetite--not constipation. Hmmm. Bad analogy. But you get the idea. ;-)

Feel free to shoot me an email (colleenlangley@yahoo.com) if you decide to join in; I'd love to be praying for each one in our hungry group. =)

Whatever your spiritual plan is this week, may your "soul be satisfied as with fat and rich food" (Psalm 63:5)!

"Come, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without price." Is. 55:1

I am such a girl.

2008-06-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

(I was just plowing through old Microsoft Word files on my computer, and I stumbled upon this poem I wrote on March 11, 2006. If it weren't so funny, it'd be plain ol' embarassing...)

~^~^~^~^~^~

Hanging on a phone call

Well, I've done it again, Lord.

I'm hanging on a phone call,
Just hoping for a ring--
A little number all lit up on my cell phone screen.
To hear that voice that'll make my heart sing
Is a request that seems so small,
And for a moment I wonder: do You care at all?

Won't You move his heart tonight?
Granting him a dream
Of how happy his life would be if he were married to me;
A little piece of eternity
If he would just call me his wife.
O Lord--let him see the light!

Yes, the waiting's been long;
It shouldn't be this way.
(Profound commentary from a lump of clay.)
But You have never yet made one mistake,
So when the silence seems unending and wrong,
Move my heart (okay, and my phone) to ring out a song.

~^~^~^~^~^~

And over two years later, I can say with even more joy and conviction... He has never yet made one mistake. (And how thankful I am He has not given me who I thought I so desperately wanted and needed. He knows best!!)

And one more thing: Marriage to me will not be heaven. It may prepare a man for heaven, or make him long for heaven even more, but please know that the poem above was tongue-in-cheek. Humorous. For laughs. (I hate to think of the comments I'd get on this entry if you could leave 'em. =)

Happy birthday, dear Lisa!

2008-06-25T11:37:00.000-07:00

`
You are to me a best friend, kindred spirit, confidante, role model, inspiration, and counselor who somehow juggles marriage, mommyhood, ministry, and musicianship (you are still my favorite singer of all time) with grace and faith and joy. I will never be able to comprehend what my life would have been like if our paths hadn't divinely crossed 13 years ago (when we were crazy college kids). You know my heart like few others.

Remind me again why you had to leave San Diego for Seattle? ;-)

A mess worth making

2008-06-23T13:32:00.001-07:00

`

We’ll be sticking to our kitchen floor for weeks, I’m sure. How is it that sticky-sweet spills absolutely refuse soap-and-water and scrubbing?

I was simply trying to save a few bucks and make my own homemade iced mocha before heading back out into the sweltering heat. (It hit 115 two days ago.) In went the soymilk, the cinnamon, the chocolate. “On” went the blender, and just as I was about to add my oh-so-strong, French-pressed coffee, the little plastic cap on the blender dropped in—and the ingredients rocketed out. In one second flat, my kitchen was painted in chocolate-cinnamon soymilk. And so was I. My freshly ironed white tank became a tasty leopard print; chocolate dripped from my eyelashes, my hair, the ceiling, the just-washed dishes drying on the counter, the refrigerator, the floor, the rug, the cupboards, the pictures... you get the idea. Plastered.

I laughed out loud as I tackled the dripping disaster (before it could dry and cause more damage), but it was a mess I could have done without.

There is, however, a mess worth making…

When I was in my early twenties, I thought that relationships pleasing to God would be peaceful, low maintenance, and even somewhat (I hate to admit this) easy.

I have to laugh at myself for being so idealistic. I’m too strong a personality, too passionate, too full of sin to find anything “easy.” I learn slowly; I learn the hard way. I fight long and hard to get to a place of faith and understanding and acceptance and peace.

But fighting for right relationships is so worth it. It’s messy for sure, but it’s what Christ has called us to (read John 17 again!). He knows we naturally stink at relationships—be they friend, family, romantic, marriage, roommates, work, church—and He’s not surprised by our struggle. In fact, He knew from the beginning that we would make a mess of things, and He already had a beautiful clean-up plan in place.

It’s fascinating how we each react to the “cap dropping into the blender” and the consequent mess. Some of us walk away from it, leaving the chocolate to harden and creating an even bigger mess in the long run. Others may clean up the mess, but begrudgingly, resolving to never attempt an iced mocha again. Regardless of how we may react, one thing’s for sure: we all need a lot of help in this relationship area.

The past three years have felt like an intensive relationship boot camp for me. I love what I’ve been (slowly) learning. Aside from God’s Word, one of the greatest helps has been a little book called “The Peacemaker” by Ken Sande. In it, Sande shares a wonderful checklist to “get the log out of your eye before taking the speck out of your brother’s.” Here’s a portion of it:

- What am I preoccupied with? (What is the first thing on my mind in the morning and/or the last thing at night?)
- How would I fill in this blank? “If only ______, then I would be happy, fulfilled and secure.”
- What do I want to preserve or avoid at any cost?
- Where do I put my trust?
- What do I fear?
- When a certain desire is not met, do I feel frustration, anxiety, resentment, bitterness, anger, or depression?
- Is there something I desire so much that I am willing to disappoint or hurt others in order to have it?
- Am I guilty of reckless words, falsehood, gossip, slander, or any other worthless talk?
- Have I tried to control others?
- Have I kept my word and fulfilled all of my responsibilities?
- Have I abused my authority?
- Have I respected those in authority over me?
- Have I treated others as I would want to be treated?
- Am I being motivated by lusts of the flesh, pride, love of money, fear of others, or wanting good things too much?

I’m convicted all over again. Lol. I’m so thankful, so very thankful, that God lavishes His grace on sinners like me (Ephesians 1:7-8)—and patiently teaches us what is best for us (Isaiah 48:17).

Today is another opportunity to die to ourselves so we can live Christ’s abundant life—another chance to exchange our “filthy rags” for God’s perfect clean-up solution.

And I may just attempt another iced mocha later today.

2 bananas and 1 ruby red grapefruit...

2008-06-19T11:39:00.000-07:00

...blended with ice and soymilk is like summer in a cup! =)

And for summer soul refreshment, I'm reading Thomas a Kempis' "The Imitation of Christ." If you want some hearty conviction and a shove in the right direction, this is the book to read. But just a little at a time!

Excerpts from this morning's read:

"He is vain that putteth his trust in man, or creatures.

"Trust not in thine own knowledge, nor in the subtilty of any living creature; but rather in the grace of God, who helpeth the humble, and humbleth those that are proud.

"If there be any good in thee, believe that there is much more in others, that so thou mayest preserve humility within thee.

"It is not harmful unto thee to debase thyself under all men; but it is very injurious to thee to prefer thyself before any one man.

"The humble enjoy continual peace, but in the heart of the proud is envy, and frequent indignation.

"Whensoever a man desire anything inordinately, he becomes restless in himself."

Much easier to down the grapefruit smoothie. But so much better to chew on a Kempis. ;-)

Planet Colleen (and gaining perspective)

2008-06-17T23:03:00.000-07:00

I briefly considered writing a witty and colorful account of my past vacation week--spent at graduations, grad parties, and a baby shower; wining and dining in L.A.; going to Disneyland and Medieval Times; hosting a big brunch, dinner-and-a-movie, etc.

But today I returned home to news from my dear friends Brooks and Nina that my little "nephew" Beau (see pics below and on May 29 and April 6) is dangerously sick. This--after they just finished sharing their translation of the Scriptures with the Yembi-Yembis, a Papua New Guinea tribe they've lived with and served for five years now.

Then I just scrolled through my best friend's blog, looking at recent pictures from their home in East Asia, and I was refreshed (as always) by their passion for the lost and love for serving God and His people--no matter what the cost to them personally.

Then I read Philip Ewert's blog, with a poem dedicated to his wife Tera who died two years ago, as well as a gripping plea for people to pray for Africa, where he is now serving. (Did you know that close to 4 million people are starving there?)

And I guess I'm just heartsick over how little I care about what's going on in the world... and how quickly I get wrapped up in Planet Colleen.

We are just passing through, and these days aren't slowing down for our trivial pursuits and selfish worries. Perhaps the cure for today's selfishness and sin is tonight's prayers for another part of the world--that God's good news will reach people we've never met... and that those dear servants faithfully sharing this good news will be refreshed, protected, and blessed beyond their wildest dreams.

And then, Lord, give us the opportunity to boldly and lovingly share this good news with someone in our own little world.

Forgiven

2008-06-13T23:58:00.000-07:00

(Written on January 25, 2007, after a season of sin that God mercifully redeemed me from!)

I have to believe You are sovereign over sin,
Lord of all of me: not just my strengths
But also my inherent weaknesses within.

For if what I’ve done and the woman I’ve lately become
Is beyond Your will, Your control—
I am lost, ruined, completely undone.

But if You’ve ordained every one of my days
And known my beginning to my end,
If you’ve planned a way for my escape…

Then I am loved past all comprehending,
Known only by knowing You, my Lord,
My Savior full of grace, grace unending!

Grace unheard of, love unmatched, mercy unrestrained:
Who am I? Unworthy, senseless beast
To look Love in the face and turn away!

Oh, what a God You are, to pull me from the pit
With a strong arm; wash me clean, clothe me,
And not just forgive my sin, but forget!

A bike and a bowl of cherries

2008-06-11T18:48:00.000-07:00

.

Last night was our annual finale banquet for faculty and staff at ACA, so today felt like the official start of summer (although I'll happily be teaching summer school and freelance editing to fill my time). My roommates and I drove to Cherry Valley where a beautiful pool, cherry trees (I ate far too many cherries), and lounge chairs were the perfect prescription for tired teachers.

And if that didn't signal the beginning of summer break, my Target purchase certainly did. I've been on a bike hunt for awhile now (in an attempt to save on gas!), and I landed a gorgeous little red cruiser on sale. However, Belle didn't fit in my car--not even close, and I'm sure I entertained more than one person in the parking lot as I shoved and pushed and pulled that bike to no avail--so I left behind Ellie (the car) and biked all the way home.

I discovered new muscles in my legs. Or at least I don't think they were there before today...

So now I'm off to meet an old student at Starbucks. A tummy full of cherries, a sun-kissed face, and a smart little bike to boot. Ahhh... God gives days of refreshing.

.

Remember?

2008-06-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

"But the LORD said to me, 'Do not fear him, for I have given him and all his people and his land into your hand. And you shall do to him as you did to Sihon the king of the Amorites, who lived at Heshbon.'" Deuteronomy 3:2

I love how God points us to previous victories to help us in our present battles. "Remember, child?" He seems to whisper to our hearts. "Remember how you did it before? Remember how faithful I was to do what I promised?"

And then He calls us to move forward by faith. "Do not fear," He says over and over again. And why not? Because He is there, and just as He has been faithful in the past, He will be faithful in the present and the future.

Deuteronomy 3:22 continues, "You shall not fear them, for it is the LORD your God who fights for you."

Perhaps today's fear is a small one. Or maybe your challenge is close to terrifying. Whatever the battle that creates an anxious heart in us, God is strong and faithful to fight for us. He has been for us all along; why would today be any different? Remember, dear friends, how He helped you win yesterday's battle... and then trust Him for victory in today's!

Adams, Woodruff, Willard, and Anonymous

2008-06-09T21:16:00.000-07:00

“Great necessities call out great virtues.” –Abigail Adams

“Hope is putting faith to work when doubting would be easier.” –Anonymous

“Out of the strain of Doing,
Into the peace of the Done.” –Julie Louise Woodruff

“The world is wide, and I will not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum.” –Frances Willard

Prayer is irksome.

2008-06-03T21:22:00.000-07:00

If this isn't kindling for a long and loaded conversation, I don't know what is. My (wonderful!) small group has been reading and talking through C.S. Lewis' Letters to Malcolm: Chiefly on prayer for the past few months, and it has been more than enlightening: it has been appropriately disturbing.

Here are a few excerpts from this week's reading...

"Well, let's now at any rate come clean. Prayer is irksome. An excuse to omit it is never unwelcome. When it is over, this casts a feeling of relief and holiday over the rest of the day. We are reluctant to begin. We are delighted to finish. While we are at prayer, but not while we are reading a novel or solving a crossword puzzle, any trifle is enough to distract us.

"Now the disquieting thing is not simply that we skimp and begrudge the duty of prayer. The really disquieting thing is it should have to be numbered among duties at all. For we believe that we were created 'to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.' And if the few, the very few, minutes we now spend on intercourse with God are a burden to us rather than a delight, what then? What can be done for--or what should be done with--a rose tree that dislikes producing roses? Surely it ought to want to?"

Wow.

My thoughts later... (Not that we are in need of my puny little thoughts after Lewis' profoundity, but it has been so stimulating to discuss these things as a small group that I thought it'd be neat to pass along a bit of what I've been processing. I wish I could hear your thoughts and insights and responses as well.)

Thoughtful and tasty procrastination

2008-06-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

C.S. Lewis
"God is the only comfort, he is also the supreme terror: the thing we most need and the thing we most want to hide from...Some people talk as if meeting the gaze of absolute goodness would be fun. They need to think again. They are still only playing with religion."

Jonathan Edwards
"O sinner, can you give any reason why, since you have risen from your bed this morning, God has not stricken you dead?"

Sinclair Ferguson
"The holiness of God teaches us that there is only one way to deal with sin--radically, seriously, painfully, constantly. If you do not so live, you do not live in the presence of the Holy One of Israel."

~*~*~*~*~*~*

I should be grading a pile of finals (it's our last week of school), so I'm gonna share a couple of my new favorite healthy recipes instead.

Amazing Sugarless Cookies
(I can't rememember where I found this one... but I love it! And it makes for a great breakfast food!)

1/4 cup oil
1/4 cup honey
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup applesauce
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1 cup oats
2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp cinnamon
1/8 tsp cloves
1/2 cup raisins
1/2 cup nuts

Bake at 375 degrees for 10 minutes. (And by the way, these are amazing with iced coffee!)

Carob Treats
(compliments of my friend Dustin Ceithamer)

Heat a couple of tablespoons of olive oil in a saucepan on the stovetop.
Add carob chips; stir until melted.
Add nuts and raisins to taste. (I personally love golden raisins, pecans, and sunflower seeds. And I add a lot of 'em, so my treats are chunky!)
Spoon onto a cookie sheet and top with drizzled honey.
Stick in freezer until set.

I make a batch of these weekly, keep 'em in the freezer, and eat one almost every day. =)

Chunky Slaw
(This salad and dressing were borne out of one of my playtimes in the kitchen. I love experimenting!)

Chop up and mix together:
apples
red pear
celery
carrots
broccoli
pecans
bean sprouts
raisins (or craisins)

Toss with dressing:
olive oil
apple cider vinegar
honey
lemon juice
liquid amino acids
freshly ground pepper
dash of salt
(Add ingredients to taste; my portions are always a little different every time I make this, but the combination has always been yummy! Just make sure you shake it up well before pouring.)

Photos of the Week

2008-05-29T06:51:00.000-07:00

My nephew Beau...

My new creative outlet... (Don't laugh. I'm making this up as I go; if any of you have experience in watercolor-on-canvas, I'd love to learn from you! Here's my first baby. I call her "Trying." But look! You can tell those are clouds and mountains, can't you?!)

Ridding myself of the "with" gods

2008-05-24T09:56:00.000-07:00

I am loving my (albeit, very slow) trek through the Old Testament. This morning's "stop-and-meditate" verse was Exodus 20:23.

"You shall not make gods of silver to be with Me."

I've always known, "You shall not have any other god before Me" and "You shall not worship any other god besides Me," but here He says: "You shall not make gods to be WITH Me." The NIV reads, "alongside Me."

On a good day, I may not worship something or someone else more than God, but I'm sorely tempted (on a regular basis) to worship a few other things and people right alongside of Him. To make them equal with Him, as if He could ever have an equal.

In Psalm 50:21 God says, "You thought that I was one like yourself. But now I rebuke you and lay the charge before you."

Lord, You have no equal. Make my thoughts of you BIG today. Enlarge my heart to have HUGE emotions for You. Far outweigh my other loves, commitments, desires, and thoughts. Only then will other gods lose their power.

Photo of the Week

2008-05-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

Monday we melted down in a pre-summer heat wave (101 degrees). Thursday afternoon it snowed. In Redlands, California. In the middle of May. I was wearing a knee-length skirt, short sleeves, and flip-flop heels. Have you ever crunched through the snow in flip-flop heels?

Here are a few camera-phone pictures from my drive home and my walk up to my condo.

Beautiful

2008-05-20T07:05:00.001-07:00

Her face was weathered,
Wrinkled, altogether
older now.
Facials and lotions,
Expensive beauty potions—
She had turned them in,
For in the end
When life was done,
She wanted her heart
To be the most beautiful part
Of her.
Sure, she missed that second glance—
That look of romance
from the men—
As in her younger days,
When beauty’s ways
Were upon her.
But now people stared long and hard…
At her heart,
Radiant on her face.
Plastic beauties who saw her walk by,
Envied her, the life in her eyes,
Which sparkled, undaunted by aging and time;
And almost mesmerized,
They asked her
The reason for her smile.
And she would—smile,
And then tell them…
(Oh, she told them) of the One
Who made her beautiful.

"Always be prepared to give an answer for the hope that lies within you..." (But are we giving them a reason to ask??)

Gnats

2008-05-14T07:28:00.001-07:00

I’m convinced that God has a sense of humor—where else would ours have come from?—and because He is God, it is an infinitely perfect sense of humor. If you’re ever in doubt, start looking for the comedic elements throughout Scripture. They will, at times, have you laughing out loud.

Take, for example, the poor Egyptian magicians who tried to compete with God in the Plague Showdown of 1446 B.C. I crack up every time I think of them trying to outdo Moses, and in the process, making their own water bloodier and land froggier. I mean, turning their staffs into snakes must have impressed the people (even if they were swallowed up by Moses’ serpent in the end). But were the Egyptians really applauding as they watched more of their drinking water bleed and picked twice the frogs off their bodies? Thanks a lot, guys.

However, when it came to gnats, these chumps were out of their league. Snakes, blood, and frogs were kid stuff. Gnats were obviously for the pros. Or should I say, the Pro.

Exodus 8:18 says that “the magicians tried by their secret arts to produce gnats, but they could not.” I wrote a note in the margin of that verse that reads, “Why did You decide to stop the magicians at gnats?” It’s hilarious!

But it’s also such an evidence of God’s amazing sovereignty and control. He determines the exact boundaries of His enemies’ power. They have no more influence than He allows them to have. Whether it be gnats in Moses’ case or life-and-death in Job’s case, God says, “This is where you stop,” and his enemies stop.

I love the story of Abraham and Sarah. Love it! But I’d never noticed the humor of Genesis 18:13-15 until Beth Moore pointed it out in one of her Bible studies. Sarah not only lies to God but also argues with Him. Listen in…

“The Lord said to Abraham, ‘Why did Sarah laugh and say, “Shall I indeed bear a child, now that I am old?” Is anything too hard for the Lord?’ But Sarah denied it, saying, ‘I did not laugh,’ for she was afraid. He said, ‘No, but you did laugh.’”

Again, hilarious! Can you imagine? (Oh, wait. I can because I’ve done it myself. Sounded just like that, too…)

“I did not.”

“Did too.”

“Did not…”

God has determined certain events, He has promised certain things, and there’s no way He is going to be frustrated by us humans—and our hilarious ridiculousness. Sarah’s faithless laughing wasn’t going to stop Him. Moses’ enemies weren’t going to show Him up. And He is not wringing His hands over the messy details of our lives today. “He determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live” (Acts 17:26).

I don’t know about you, but this quiets my heart and helps me enjoy the adventure the Lord has planned for me!

“The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.” Psalm 16:5-6

To the anonymous giver of $500...

2008-05-09T22:04:00.000-07:00

Thank you with all my heart. What an unbelievably generous, beautiful, and timely gift!

Were you aware of my need? I assume so... but whatever your motivation, you will never understand how tangibly the Lord cared for me through you. It's a gift I will never forget.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Your Maker is your husband." Isaiah 54:5

My heart is bubbling over tonight. No. Not bubbling over. Full? Overflowing? I guess what I'm feeling is described in the words of Isaiah 60:

"Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy..."

As John Piper says, joy isn't complete until it is expressed. But then, it's so hard to put into words my happiness in my Heavenly Bridegroom; I wish I could adequately boast in the One who has loved me perfectly and completely, provided for all of my needs, filled my heart with His joy, planned out my days in His loving sovereignty, and graciously allowed small sufferings along the way to woo me to Him (to make sure I don't settle for lesser loves).

How I love Him.

And to the anonymous giver of $500: Thank you for letting Christ love me through you.

"What is that in your hand?"

2008-05-05T21:20:00.000-07:00

I have a pile of bills to be paid.
Several piles of papers to be graded.
A laundry pile that I've endearingly nicknamed "Mt. Everest."
A pile of soil in the back seat of my car (flower pot tipped over).
And a list of calls, texts, and emails to be returned... two weeks ago.

I just washed a pile of dishes in the sink tonight.

Just like yours, my hands are very full. Sometimes it's "fun full." Juggling a theater rehearsal, dinner party, and a coffee date doesn't exactly stress me out. But I admit, my enthusiasm wanes just a bit when it comes to paying bills, grading, and keeping that dentist appointment. It can even feel like spinning my wheels, causing me to ask the age-old question, "What's my motivation?" Shouldn't life be more... well, "more"? What's really being accomplished in all my daily tasks and obligations?

And then Exodus 4:2 reminds me that God uses the mundane and even monotonous to accomplish His awesome, holy purposes.

In response to Moses' objections to leading His people out of Egypt, God asks Moses, "What is that in your hand?"

"A staff," Moses said.

Or a red pen.
A bill.
A phone.
A load of laundry.

"Throw it on the ground," God instructed.

So Moses did, and it turned into a snake.

"Put out your hand and catch it by the tail"--so he put out his hand and caught it, and it became a staff in his hand--"that they may believe that the Lord, the God of their fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, has appeared to you."

Sure the circumstances are a bit different: God was preparing Moses to perform awesome signs and wonders with this simple staff. But how much more could we, filled with God's Holy Spirit, glorify God and see Him do wonders in our lives when we simply offer to use what's in our hands?

Last week I dragged myself to Wednesday chapel. I was dying to "ditch" and use the time for other things: grading, running errands, catching up. But I knew I should be there. A student cornered me afterward to ask me some amazingly deep life questions. God was working in her heart, and we talked through our lunch break--even got teary-eyed together as we realized God had ordained a very special conversation. And I walked away with a very full heart as I realized that being faithful in a mundane responsibility meant an amazing ministry opportunity.

How many times have I missed such opportunities? Too many to count...

Lord, help us be faithful to wash these dishes, pay these bills, clean this house, talk to this person, and finish this task--with the confidence that You will take our humble service and use it to Your great glory and for Your awesome purposes!

32

2008-04-29T19:10:00.000-07:00

Sunday was my 32nd birthday, and I celebrated with Mickey Mouse. Lol. I'll always be a kid at heart.

But on a more reflective and meaningful note, I've compiled a list of top joys and journeys of this past year of life. Most of you won't weather the entire list, but it's been a wonderful exercise for me to compile and post it, reflecting on and boasting in God's great goodness and blessings--even in the midst of life's stresses and challenges. I am loving my thirties!! God is faithful...

In no particular order, here are 32 of "my favorite things" from this last year:

1. Returning to the stage after a seven-year absence! (see #2-4!) Yay theater!!
2. "Noah and the Ark"
3. "It's a Wonderful Life"
3. "Snow White"
4. "The Visit"
5. Returning to the classroom last August.
6. Discovering I actually love 8th graders! (I'd always sworn it was the one grade I'd never teach.)
7. Taking my annual trip to visit best friends in Washington, D.C.
8. Moving back to Redlands (I love this quaint little town! You can't go anywhere without seeing someone you know. Just like Mayberry.)
9. Continuing my voice lessons with Guy Babusek in Orange County. Guy is fabulous!
10. Renewing some old friendships and making some new ones (Dustin Ceithamer, Sarah Beth Mollner, Tai Wazdetsky, Erin Allen, Tim Mahoney, Sarah Ayotte.....). These dear ones have greatly encouraged me in the Lord, made me laugh my head off, taught me oodles, and inspired me to keep growing and living my life to the fullest!
11. Living with two amazing roommates, Sarah Day and Merea Price--two girls who have patiently loved me, encouraged me, forgiven me, and taught me so much by their lives of faith.
12. Breaking free from some major spiritual strongholds!
13. Talking to, learning from, enjoying, and adoring my mom in huge ways.
14. Hanging out with my not-so-li'l siblings: Katy (14), Christopher (12), Nathan (10).
15. Road trips, outings, and heart-to-heart talks with big siblings: Jonathan, David and Heather (due with Lil Langley in August!).
16. Laughing with and learning from my dear dad. He is still such a provider and protector for me.
17. Trips into L.A. and Hollywood.
18. Memorizing chunks of Scripture to music.
19. Celebrating my Papa's life at an amazing coronation service last June.
20. Receiving grace upon grace and forgiveness upon forgiveness from too many people to list here.
21. Karen Race's visits here... and my surprise visit there for her 30th birthday.
22. Attending too many theater shows and productions to count. Makes me so happy!
23. Hosting dinners and brunches and lunches in my home(s). Such a joy!
24. Angels baseball. Gators football. Enough said.
25. Running 2 miles on a fairly regular basis. (This is a big deal. Be impressed.)
26. Getting a pixie haircut. Scary, crazy, risky. Bows and flowers are lifesavers.
27. Shopping at Trader Joe's where several employees are now my friends.
28. Disneyland trips.
29. Cleansing for two weeks. (This included giving up coffee and living to tell about it.)
30. Loving my church family and seeing God do awesome things in our midst! (A shout-out to my amazing small group!!)
31. Missing best friends who are faithfully serving Jesus around the world.
32. Enjoying my Lord in new and precious and rich and deep ways. He has filled my heart with a greater contentment and hope than ever before. Knowing, loving, and serving Him is such an adventure!

A roommate, a marriage, and a mission field

2008-04-06T21:37:00.000-07:00

Our dorm rooms were across the hall from each other during my first year of college, but for all practical purposes, we were roommates. Some called us inseparable.

Nina was sunshine and laughter (still is), and we packed in more memories in those days than seems humanly possible now. Staying up all night helped the cause.

Nina met the man of her dreams at our college (San Diego Christian), and my initial dislike for him quickly turned to admiration and respect. Brooks and Nina were perfect for each other (still are), and shortly after God blessed them with little Beau, He sent them to minister to a remote tribe in the heart of Papua New Guinea.

You can read of their amazing adventure on their blog (link to the left). And pray as this precious tribal people hears the gospel for the very first time.

I wish bestest friends wouldn't move away. But eternity will show how necessary it was that they did.

The Importance of Gender

2008-04-01T23:07:00.000-07:00

This last week was Spring Break... and a much-needed visit with best friends in Washington, D.C. One of the highlights of this annual trip is attending Karen and Carlynne's church, Capitol Hill Baptist, where Mark Dever pastors. His sermon on Sunday was phenomenal--a must-hear! =)

Click on the link and enjoy!

http://chbcaudio.org/

God is for you.

2008-03-24T22:30:00.000-07:00

"When you understand foreknowledge (to the small degree that is possible), when you grasp election, when you appreciate call, when you benefit from justification, when you anticipate glorification, you realize that God is overwhelmingly, obviously for you. Nothing can separate you from the love of Jesus Christ!

"He is for you. He has convincingly demonstrated that. The basis for understanding whether or not God is for us is not subjective. Our emotional state is irrelevant. The objective, eternal fact of the matter is that God is for us.

"If you need proof that God is for you, look no further than the Cross. [God] forsook his own Son so that we might know him as Father and never be forsaken ourselves. What further demonstration do we need? That bloody form hung there on the Cross to make this eternal proclamation: 'I AM FOR YOU!'"

-C.J. Mahaney (on Romans 8:31-32, in "This Great Salvation: Unmerited favor, unmatched joy")

My nephew is so beautiful!!

2008-03-13T17:46:00.001-07:00

C. H. Spurgeon once said...

2008-02-28T00:07:00.000-08:00

A vigorous temper is not altogether an evil. Men who are easy as an old shoe are generally of little worth.

By perseverance the snail reached the ark.

Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.

Dearest Savior

2008-02-25T23:17:00.000-08:00

You hem me in behind, before,
When I unravel at the seams;
You know my inmost secret thoughts,
My hidden fears and dreams.
You pray for me with words and groans
I cannot comprehend.
And when I fall flat on my face,
You pick me up… again.

Your kindness leads me to repent
From sin and be restored.
You promise to renew my strength
As I wait upon You, Lord.
You show Your mercy day by day,
Give grace for every hour.
Your judgments, they are true and sure.
Your name is my strong tower.

Your greatness is immeasurable,
O Glory beyond compare!
Yet You call me Your “beloved,
Daughter, sister, heir.”
You are my Shepherd, Savior, Shield,
My Righteousness and Truth.
My Joy, my Hope, my Great Reward,
My Prince of Peace, my Groom.

O Sovereign Lord, in whom I find
My deepest longings filled,
Grant to me a tender heart,
A steadfast mind, a broken will.
Turn my gaze toward the cross
And fix my eyes on Christ,
The Author and Perfecter of
Everlasting life.

Photo(s) of the Week

2008-02-20T22:35:00.000-08:00

My best friend's darling little Claire Elaine... Living it up in her new home overseas!

Certain burning questions

2008-02-20T22:34:00.000-08:00

"To ascertain where you really are with the Lord, recall what saddened you the past month. Was it the realization that you do not love Jesus enough? That you did not seek his face in prayer often enough? That you did not care for his people enough? Or did you get depressed over a lack of respect, criticism from an authority figure, your finances, a lack of friends, fears about the future, or your bulging waistline?

"Conversely, what gladdened you the past month? Reflection on your election to the Christian community? The joy of saying slowly, “Abba, Father”? The afternoon you stole away for two hours with only the gospel as your companion? A small victory over selfishness? Or were the sources of your joy a new car, a great date, great sex, a raise, or a loss of four inches from your hips?"

-Brennan Manning in The Importance of Being Foolish (which, by the way, is a phenomenal read!)

Beauty's Beckoning

2008-02-18T22:12:00.000-08:00

Have I played the harlot, the whore?
Lavishing myself on passersby?
Flirting, beckoning, for fleeting affirmations,
Bowing down to images that lie?

How I long to be a beauty
First and foremost (only) for Your eyes.
And then to use that beauty, pure and sincere,
To point to You—the Way, the Truth, the Life.

Help me to become less as You become greater still…
Lord, change my heart.

Photo of the Week

2008-02-11T18:25:00.000-08:00

My brother is a survivor

2008-02-05T21:17:00.000-08:00

To my single friends...

2008-02-03T20:33:00.000-08:00

“The thing has come from the Lord.” Genesis 24:50

“The thing” was a match made in heaven. Rebekah was chosen to be Isaac’s wife—by God Himself (“who has not forsaken His steadfast love and His faithfulness,” 24:27) and the help of a father and family servant.

Single friends, no matter how long it takes and how hard it may seem at times, let us not force a match that is not “from the Lord.” Let’s learn to faithfully serve the people around us, even watering their camels if need be, and wait for the man God brings our way if He so desires.

And if He withholds, it is only out of His great goodness and eternal purposes. “He does not willingly afflict the children of man,” so if He allows us to suffer long, we can be sure there are fabulous purposes at stake—that we will someday understand and love!

Waiting with you…
Colleen

Convicting.

2008-02-02T10:12:00.001-08:00

A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's. --Jean Paul Richter

Photo of the Week

2008-01-30T22:50:00.000-08:00

A smiling evil queen, an intimidating dwarf, and a laughing beauty... Perfect.

Welcome to Ghilleadh Isaiah!

2008-01-28T21:13:00.000-08:00

I've been blessed with another precious and beautiful "nephew"!

Martin Luther King Jr. said...

2008-01-28T20:29:00.001-08:00

"A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men purchases its own spiritual death on the installment plan."

God uses famines...

2008-01-23T20:46:00.000-08:00

When God sends us a famine, He is preparing for us a feast. He is setting the table. He is moving us to hunger. He is fulfilling His perfect purposes in our lives.

If you are “doing without” right now, if you are in the midst of a famine of any kind, it is only because you have been invited to eat your heart out—to feast your soul on God.

Throughout the Old Testament, we read that God sent famine after famine to move His people: to a better land, to repentance, to receive His blessings, to hate and turn from their sin, to humbly and desperately cry out for Him, and to participate in His glorious purposes. (See, for examples: Genesis 12:10, 26:1, 47:4; Ruth 1:1; 2 Kings 8:1.)

He may not starve us physically, but perhaps He is starving us in other ways so that we turn to Him with all of our hunger and longing—to be satisfied in Him alone.

Dear friend, if you are…
desperately wanting a child but cannot conceive…
in a difficult job situation…
single and longing to be married…
in an unhappy marriage…
sick, in physical pain, suffering from disease or cancer…
forgotten and overlooked…
struggling financially…
in a season of uncertainty and confusion about the future…
aching over the loss of a loved one…
dried up spiritually and emotionally…
tired and weary…
lonely, alone…
reaping the consequences of your sin…
always out of reach of that lifelong dream…
doubting the promise God seemed to speak to your heart years ago…
waiting and waiting, with no end in sight…
grieving over a loved one’s sin, rejection, rebellion…
helplessly watching a loved one suffer…
feeling inadequate or like a failure…

…then you are ready to feast at God’s banqueting table. I don't say this lightly, but our Lord may be withholding from us the only thing we’ve ever wanted, so that we learn and live that He alone is more than enough. We cannot know all of His purposes, but we do know that He wants us to worship and serve Him alone. With no other gods before Him.

Tonight may our hunger pangs drive us to feast on these promises:

He has engraved me on the palm of His hand. Isaiah 49:16
He carries me close to His heart. Isaiah 40:11
He holds my hand. Psalm 73:23
He will do abundantly more than all I can ask or imagine. Ephesians 3:20
He daily bears my burdens. Psalm 68:19
He thinks of me constantly: His thoughts of me outnumber the grains of sand on the sea. Psalm 139:17–18
He is intimately interested in my life. He even knows how many hairs are on my head. Matthew 10:30
He has planned out my days. Psalm 139:16; 118:24
He prays for me. Hebrews 7:25; Romans 8:26
He freely forgives me. 1 John 1:9; Psalm 103:12
He protects and rescues me. Psalm 91
He understands my disappointments, sorrows and weaknesses. Hebrews 2:17–18
He gives me the power to live like Him. Romans 8:9–11; Philippians 4:13
He delights in me and rejoices over me with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
He teaches me what is best for me. Isaiah 48:17
He helps me. Isaiah 41:10, 14; Psalm 118:13
He created me for a special purpose and designed me to be His wonderful creation. Ps 139:13–14; Jer 1:5; Ep 2:10
He will fulfill His purpose for me. Psalm 138:8; Philippians 1:6
His love for me is as high as the heavens are above the earth. Psalm 103:11
He makes my path level and smooth. Isaiah 26:7
He is always with me. Psalm 73:23
He guides me with His counsel. Psalm 73:24
He gives me wisdom. James 1:5
He keeps record of all my tears. Psalm 56:8
He satisfies my hunger and quenches my thirst. John 6:35
He holds me in His hand. John 10:27
He gives me life to the fullest. John 10:10
He laid down His life for me. John 10:11
He rejoices over me just like a bridegroom rejoices over his bride. Isaiah 62:5
He gives me good and perfect gifts. James 1:17
He listens to me; He hears my cry. Psalm 145:19
He fulfills my desires. Psalm 145:19; 37:4
He has compassion on me. Psalm 145:9
He cures me of backsliding. Jeremiah 4:22
He makes me pure. Ezekiel 36:25–26
He makes me happy. Psalm 16:11; 36:8
He has made me His child. Romans 8:14; Galatians 4:5; 3:26
He has given me fullness in Christ, and I am complete. Colossians 2:9-10
He has qualified me to share in the inheritance of the saints. Colossians 1:12
He has given me a home in heaven. Colossians 1:13; Ephesians 2:6
He has lavished on me all the riches of His grace. Ephesians 1:8
He longs to give me His very best. Isaiah 1:19
He is distressed in my distress. Isaiah 63:9
He lifts me up and carries me. Isaiah 63:14
He leads me through the depths and the darkness. Isaiah 50:10
He directs my steps. Proverbs 20:24
He chooses to forget my sins; He buries them in the deep sea. Isaiah 43:25, Micah 7:19
He has given me an inheritance far beyond my imagination. Psalm 47:4; Ephesians 1:18, Colossians 1:12
He provides me with the strength to serve Him. 1 Peter 4:11

Keeping a tender heart (in a tough-as-nails world)

2008-01-15T19:37:00.000-08:00

There is nothing uglier or more repulsive than a bitter woman. Nothing.

For months now, I have been praying for a tender heart—one that is not cynical, bitter, or hardened by life’s difficulties and sorrows and disappointments, but rather, hopes all things, loves all people, and believes the God of the impossible.

I began desperately praying for this tender heart when I realized, about a year ago, that I had grown increasingly cold and angry and bitter. We each have our unique set of circumstances and sufferings that can make for a tragically hard heart if we let it. And, sadly… I had. I’d subconsciously made a mental and emotional list of all my disappointments and sorrows—which fed a consuming bitterness. But when I finally realized what my bitterness was costing me (and those I loved), I couldn’t have been more desperate to get out of that nasty pit! The Lord has been so faithful to answer my prayer for a changed heart. I wish I had time and space here to list all His kindnesses and power on my behalf!

A tender heart is one that is well-tended—by both my Heavenly Father and me. By coming into His presence and listening to Him speak His words of truth and love to me, my heart is softened… and the abrasives and dirt and wounds of the day are gently washed away.

A tender heart is one that hopes. And keeps hoping “against all hope” (see Romans 4:16-21!).

Disappointments become opportunities to find greater riches in Christ. Sufferings point us to the hope that will “far outweigh them all.” And man’s inability to meet our needs or fulfill our expectations teaches us to build our house on the Rock, and not on shifting sand.

We live in a culture that obsesses about beauty and yet neglects the greatest needs of the heart. Sweet women, would you join me in asking the Lord for a tender, beautiful heart—and quietly trust God to take care of the rest?

So many of you model this tender heart for me. I love you dearly.
Colleen

2 Chronicles 34:27
Because your heart was tender and you humbled yourself before God when you heard his words against this place and its inhabitants, and you have humbled yourself before me and have torn your clothes and wept before me, I also have heard you, declares the LORD.

Ephesians 4:31-32
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

1 Peter 3:8-9
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.

A few pics of the latest show... Snow White! =)

2008-01-13T21:27:00.001-08:00

I'm still here.

2007-11-11T18:43:00.000-08:00

August 2007 is a month to remember. In two weeks' time, I moved into a new apartment with new roommates, changed jobs, and performed in a 24-show run. My weekends were spent at the theater, and my weekdays were spent at work (I had one day in between jobs), so moving had to happen on the weeknights... little by little, box by box. I was also setting up my new classroom and throwing together lesson plans, as I was hired two weeks before school started. It was an exciting, exhausting time! The cherry-on-top was having two of my best friends, Karen and Carlynne (above) visit, along with Carlynne's wonderful hubby and adorable baby Caleb!

I love being back in the classroom teaching English to teens!! And I've discovered an effective new way to keep my students' attention: by dressing up as Elastigirl. (This is classroom management at its finest!)

(Yes, I really taught in this get-up all day long.)

The Angels made me weep this year, but not before the Fearsome Foursome got to take in a game or two... (I love my bros and sis-in-law!)

(Please note the short-sleeve shirts and my scarf. Undoubtedly I was wearing flip-flops, too. Southern California just messes a girl up, ya know?)

My dear lifelong best friend, Christy (and her husband Joey and beautiful baby Claire) just moved to Bangladesh two weeks ago. I am so blessed to have friends who lay down their lives so that others may come to know Jesus. (But I miss 'em, too!)

And that, my blogging friends, is a poor attempt to make up for my three months' absence. I hope to blog more faithfully now that life is back to "normal" insane, instead of impossibly insane.

May your hearts be richly encouraged in Jesus and may you laugh painfully hard at least once today! More later...

Colleen

Arky, arky!

2007-07-25T19:01:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have asked for info about "Noah," here's a link with showtimes, seats, and ticket prices: http://www.lifehousetheater.com/.

(Photography by Jane Cason; used by permission of Dustin Ceithamer.)

Boiling pasta, shredding TP, and stuff that really matters

2007-07-22T23:06:00.000-07:00

Today was hotter than a boiling pot of pasta. Just thinking made me sweat, and I may need to take a third shower before bed so I don't stick to my sheets.

My little Lucy cat is presently curled up in my chair with me, suffering from separation anxiety. I haven't been around much in the last two weeks, and she's made every effort to communicate her disapproval. Despite my creative attempts to outwit Luce, I have lost three rolls of TP to her. When she's angry, she drags a roll into the living room and shreds it into microbial-sized pieces.

In case you're afraid that I may be joining the ranks of bloggers who talk only about their mindless nothings and trivial happenings (such as "today I went to the grocery store" and "I think I'll paint my toenails blue tomorrow"; I mean who really cares if it was hot today or if Lucy is curled up in my chair?), I'll get to the point of what I really wanted to share here: a fabulous Scripture that has deeply encouraged my heart tonight!

"Thus says the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, 'In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength.' Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him." Isaiah 30:15a, 18

Return.
Rest.
Be quiet.
Trust.
Wait.

If I was being tested on those five practices, I'd probably get an F. (Laughing. Now crying.) But what precious hope for people like me--the call to these habits is sandwiched in between wonderful truths of who God is!

The Lord is God.
He is the Holy One of Israel
The Lord waits to be gracious.
He exalts Himself to show mercy.
He is a God of justice.
He blesses those who wait for Him.

Friends, I hope this coming week is full of resting in and trusting God, quieting ourselves in His presence, and waiting on Him for all that we need.

Blessings on you all as you do!

Got emotions? (Yeah, me too.)

2007-07-12T04:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I cave to a flood of emotions that seems to mock the dam that is my will.

Hmmm. That was very wordy. In simple terms: I’m a girl.

Now before I’m misunderstood, let me quickly say that I believe emotions are good, wonderful, and God-given. Throughout Scripture, we’re commanded to “emote” in a variety of ways: be at peace, have joy, delight in the Lord, don’t lose our zeal, feel awe, praise God, don’t fear, and so on. Our emotions are part of the whole; we cannot separate them from the body, soul, mind, spirit, will. But there’s a fine line between commanding our emotions and being commanded by them, glorifying God with our emotions and glorifying the emotions themselves.

So once in a while, especially when I’m drowning in emotion (whether it be fear, condemnation, jealousy, pity, anger, etc.), it’s helpful to meditate on a simple Scripture such as Luke 6:47-48.

"Everyone who
comes to Me and
hears My words and
does them,
I will show you what he is like: he is like a man
building a house who
dug deep and
laid the foundation on the rock.
And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built."

Come.
Hear.
Do.

Dig deep and lay a solid foundation.
Don’t let your house be shaken by the flood.

I love Jesus’ simple words to my complicated heart. I will go to Him. I will listen to Him. I will do what He says.

Someone wants to be me

2007-06-22T23:43:00.000-07:00

It's true. Someone's trying to be me.

And I resent it.

Tonight I discovered I am, for the second time now, a victim of identity theft and bank fraud. Yes, indeed, someone got their kicks out of opening a new credit card in my name, changing my address on file with the bank, and stealing money out of my checking account.

Initially I took this all in stride, calling the credit card reporting agencies, American Express, and Wells Fargo. Changing passwords and addresses, closing accounts, filing claims. And then after an hour on the phone, I hung up . . . and got really mad. How dare they (whoever “they” are)?! Let me at 'em!!

~~~

My little cat Lucy wants to be a bug assassin when she grows up. (It disturbs me greatly, but I think it's my fault. She watched Bourne Identity and Mission Impossible with me at a very impressionable young age. Unfortunately, I can't seem to find a cat therapist for a reasonable price. So I just pray for her.) Every night, Lucy drags in a June bug from the balcony, meows till she gets my attention, then proudly exhibits her professional sniper skills--finishing the ugly job by munching up her prey. It's absolutely disgusting.

~~~

When I was young, I wanted to sing like Sandi Patty, be a gymnast like Mary Lou Retton, and dance like Michael Jackson. (I think I just dated myself.) My parents were wise enough to know that as I grew up, I'd look for people to emulate. So they fed me and my brothers biography after biography of Christian "heroes"—stories of people who loved Jesus so much that they gave everything, some even their very lives, to follow Him. These "dead saints" (such as Amy Carmichael, Ridley and Lattimer, Madame Guyon, Jonathan Goforth, John and Batty Stam) lifted my sights from my spoiled American culture and inspired me to live for something greater than myself.

In the coming days, I'll be posting memorable, thought-provoking, inspiring quotes from some of these dear "friends." (Through several lonely school years, I still had the best of company!) I hope you drop by often and enjoy their wisdom and insights. And I hope whoever wanted to be me via my bank account, finds the truth and freedom and joy and hope these saints lived for.

That would be worth the hassle.

I'm hungry.

2007-06-17T23:17:00.000-07:00

My dear friend James reminded me this morning that sometimes I think too much. It's true. Which is why God gave me a warped sense of humor, hilariously funny friends, and a family that can laugh at just about anything. Otherwise, my brain would have surely imploded a long time ago.

So tonight I'm taking a break from thinking and bringing you a blog that is devoid of any cerebral value whatsoever.

Yea, it's nigh unto stupid.

Click on the link below to laugh, cry, or torture yourself. (Compliments of David Arevalo, Jonathan, and myself, pictured together above, at one of my least favorite places in the world. But it was late and we were hungry.)

http://www.colleenlangley.com/Hungry.html

Redeye surprise!

2007-06-12T22:44:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've ever been so excited to surprise someone.

I hopped on a plane at 9:00 p.m. last Friday and began a 7-hour cross-country trek, which landed me in Washington, D.C. at 7:30 a.m. Saturday morning. A few hours later, I was huddled up with a huge crowd, ready to yell SURPRISE! as Karen walked in the door. Lemme tell ya, it was a 30th birthday party to remember!

If someone had told Karen and me when we first met 22 years ago that we'd be lifelong friends, one or both of us would surely have laughed. But unlikely friends are often the best kind, and now I cannot even begin to imagine life without Karen. She has encouraged me and cheered me on through many years and seasons; looked past my numerous faults and frailties; been as impetuous and crazy as I've been; made me laugh till I'm nauseated; and shared my passion for truth, intelligent faith, purity, and love for serving Jesus.

Here's to a friend who defines friendship. Happy 30th, dear woman!!

Hold the caviar, please.

2007-06-07T23:54:00.000-07:00

Last week I tried to save $5 on coffee beans by buying a pound of Don Francisco's instead of Peets. At some point in the last four years, I turned into a hopeless coffee snob, and so on this particular day I wanted to prove to myself that I could be a humble coffee drinker. ("Instant Folgers coffee? I'd love some!") I paid for my bag of cheap drugs and left the grocery store feeling very satisfied with myself.

The next morning I took one sip of my new Don Francisco's coffee and promptly pitched the whole bag of beans. Then I went to Starbucks for an iced Americano. So much for saving money.

My job requires me to spend a lot of time in Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, and I often run across strange and unusual words--like widdershins, sticky wicket, nudnik, quaggy, and scrofulous.

But today I lingered over a very familiar and somewhat boring word: humble.

Its definition keeps nagging at me. "On the ground; not arrogant or assertive; reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission; ranking low in a hierarchy or scale; insignificant, unpretentious; not costly or luxurious."

On the ground.
Not assertive.
Ranking low.
Not costly.
Not luxurious....

I was curious to know how this compared with the Bible's definition and use of humble, so I did a little research and found that one of the Greek words for humble, tapeino, means "to level, reduce to a plain; to be ranked below others who are honored or rewarded; reduce to meaner circumstances."

I went to an Angels baseball game on Tuesday night. An announcer came over the loud speaker and to a crowd of 45,000 said something like, "Kindness and courtesy are contagious. Try being courteous and watch others follow your lead." I'd say no one was listening--trying to get out of the parking lot after the game was like a bad hour-long chicken fight.

And I wonder... how do we pursue humility, what does it look like to be humble, in a culture that feeds our pride and screams, "You're worth it! It's all about you!"?

Sisters

2007-06-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

Had I searched the world over, I could never have found a better match for my brother than Heather. And not only did David get the wife of his dreams, I got the sister-in-law of mine. I have learned so very much from this precious woman, and I love every minute we get together. Heather is humble, selfless, creative, loyal, talented, athletic, fun, witty, beautiful, thoughtful, patient, forgiving... and loves and honors my brother like nobody's business! To say I adore her is an understatement.

Happy 25th birthday, dearest Sis!

I deserved it.

2007-05-30T22:06:00.000-07:00

I got my first ticket on Friday night. Excuse me: traffic citation. I was totally irritated about it, and I even laid awake a couple of nights after, stewing over the whole situation.

It's not that I didn't deserve a ticket. In fact, I'm about fourteen years overdue. I've broken the speed limit daily, run red lights, tailed cars, changed five lanes in two seconds, and rolled through too many stop signs to count (but what's that "California stop" named for anyway?). To beat all, when I was pulled over six months ago, the cop let me go despite three violations and my apparent disregard for protocol: to his utter amazement, I got out of the car and walked around to the passenger side to dig for my insurance card (which I never found). No joke, he was laughing by the time he walked away from my car. I think he was thinking: "Good Lord, thank you for my wife! I got off easy!"

So I knew my time was coming. It's just that I imagined that the ticket would be well justified… and not stupid. I mean, my record is clean and I’m pretty sweet, so a cop has to be justified to finally issue that very first ticket, right? Nope. Not in Lake Arrowhead. Little Snobville Cop was staked out for someone just like me on Friday night.

I was going to visit friends at their beautiful mountain cabin and couldn’t remember exactly which way to turn. Uncharacteristically, I made a full and complete stop at the stop sign, and then proceeded to turn right. That’s when Mr. Cocky Cop pulled behind me, turned on his lights, and then--once I'd parked--swaggered up to my driver’s window and stuck a blinding flashlight in my face. “There’s a sign that says, ‘No Right Turn,’ back there, ma’am, and you turned right,” he triumphantly told me. (It was as if he’d spent his whole day staked out at that corner, practicing that little speech. Despite his cool and cocky exterior, he was jumping for joy inside.)

Okay, so here’s the thing: I didn’t fight it. Didn’t make any excuses. Didn’t cry. And didn’t flirt. Yes, it was dusk, so I could have claimed the sign was illegible. Or I could have pointed to my clean record. Or explained that I was somewhat lost and needed directions. But I just signed that stupid yellow ticket and drove away wondering what that right-hand turn was going to cost me.

Call me dumb, but it was almost a relief to have the inevitable over with. Every day I drive, I deserve a ticket, so it was high time for me to pay.

And then, with a fresh perspective, I was reminded that I've been let off every ticket for every violation I've ever committed, from the day I was born to the day I will die. And I'm talking about my sin violations here. Every lie, selfish attitude, hideous thought, envious ambition, gossipping word, lustful impulse, and failure--every way I fall short of perfection and God's glory--is no longer written up against me... because of Jesus. Because of what He did for me.

He went into the warehouse packed wall-to-wall with my sin citations and paid for every one of them by giving up His life on the cross. I should have been on that cross paying, but He was my perfect substitute. I should spend eternity in hell, separated from the goodness of God, but I no longer have to pay--because Jesus did. On the road of life, I am now considered a perfect driver, because it's actually Jesus who's driving now. When Guilt Cop or Shame Police try to pull me over, Jesus leans out the driver's window and says, "She's with me."

And I'm free to go...

A brief breath

2007-05-26T23:57:00.000-07:00

I've attended over twenty funerals in my time... grieved over the loss of some dear ones and ached over a couple of seemingly senseless tragedies. But I have yet to lose an immediate family member, and I cannot even begin to imagine losing a spouse. Those are griefs I know nothing of.

Phillip Ewert's young and dearly loved wife Tera died suddenly one year ago this month, and yet--in the midst of what must be unspeakable grief--he trusts and serves the Lord with all his heart. His blogs humble me and remind me that I'm living for another world. "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." (Romans 8:18) Phillip parts the curtains of his suffering to give us a glimpse of glory...

http://philsvagabonding.blogspot.com/

Doubt, the dentist, and doorbells (cont.)

2007-05-24T21:09:00.000-07:00

(Continued from yesterday)

I didn't budge from my bed: I was going to get a nap!! But a key jiggled in the doorknob, I heard a man yell "maintenance!", and in walked a very large stranger, who looked first in astonishment and then in utter embarrassment at the sight of me bundled up in bed. (The comedy is that I was angry and not scared.) Our brief conversation was awkward at best. He quickly left, and I never got to get my nap--probably because I was so angry that someone had ruined it in the first place. (Silly girl.)

Okay, back to doubt. Doubt loves to cast shadows on the very essence of who God is, keeping us from what our hearts were really made for in the first place: knowing and enjoying and glorifying God. Our doubt and unbelief cause apprehension (as if God were an insensitive dentist) and irritability (as if God were entering our homes uninvited, interrupting our plans). How He longs for us to know Him and believe Him for who He is, and trust that He knows what He’s doing.

Abraham of the Bible never ceases to inspire me in my faith. For all his faults, Abraham was characterized by his unwavering belief in God. In Romans 4, we find a stunning commentary on his life:

“In hope he believed against hope . . . He did not weaken in his faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead . . . No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what He had promised.” (English Standard Version)

Abraham knew God well and believed Him with all his might. He wasn’t apprehensive about what God might do to him, and he didn’t rage when God “invaded” the most important places of his life. He trusted God, “he did not weaken in his faith,” because he knew His God was the Almighty, Everlasting God.

God isn’t the dentist, and He sure isn’t a strange maintenance man barging into your home. He is trustworthy; He is perfect; He doesn’t make mistakes; He isn’t mean. He is the God who made the heavens and earth—and you and me. He deserves us being “fully convinced” about Him—and getting rid of that doubt, which will eventually (to return to my original analogy) take us captive in our own homes.

Tonight may we say with that old centurion, "I believe. Help me in my unbelief!"

Doubt, the dentist, and doorbells

2007-05-21T22:42:00.000-07:00

Doubt builds its fence around the property line of our weaknesses: Where our finite minds cannot fathom the infinite, Doubt creeps in the back door. Where our pride persuades us that we know better than God, Doubt rearranges the living room furniture. Where we have known bitter disappointment and hurt, Doubt hangs his pictures on the wall. Where we have failed and sinned until shame shuts us up in silence and isolates us, Doubt throws a party.

I had a dreaded dentist appointment today. Many of you may sympathize with me when I tell you that I get slightly panicked and mildly manic for the three days leading up to a trip to the dentist. (Months ago I even looked online for tips to "surviving a dentist appointment," but when I read "avoid drinking caffeine before your appointment as this will only increase your stress level," I realized there were greater evils than going to the dentist.)

Anyway, today I let a strange man tilt me upside down in a chair, shine an old yellowed light into my face, shoot my gums with a needle full of unidentified numbing potion, chisel and drill violently into two cavitied teeth, shove gauze and water and air hoses in and out of my mouth, and then send me on my way with a curt, "We'll clean your teeth next time."

I was happy to get home, and I had a couple of hours to take a much-needed nap before my evening plans. Ahhh, sleep. Haven't done that in awhile, and my bed quickly lulled me into a comatose state. And then, a loud knock at the door and the chiming of the doorbells . . .

*To Be Continued (heehee)

"Sing to me..."

2007-05-17T23:48:00.000-07:00

After a seven-year hiatus from taking voice lessons, I recently found an incredible voice teacher in Orange County and ventured to pursue my lifelong love once again. It's been a rewarding, fun, humbling, and thrilling process. I've discovered many bad habits formed in seven years' time and learned amazing new techniques for (hopefully) taking my voice to new levels. I'm practicing daily and get so excited when I grasp new concepts and hear my voice improve just a smidgeon. It's a tedious process, and I'll never be that great, but it sure is a stinking blast!

Yesterday morning I was reading in 1 Timothy, and a verse in chapter 6 captured me: "But as for you, O man of God . . . pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness." I was fascinated by this idea of pursuing, especially pursuing love (I mean, don't you just have it or you don't?), so I decided to do some simple cross-referencing to find out more:

"Seek peace and pursue it." Psalm 34:14
"So then let us pursue what makes for mutual upbuilding." Romans 14:19
"Pursue love..." 1 Corinthians 14:1
"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace..." 2 Timothy 2:22

I realized again that Spurgeon was right: we don't live in neutral. We're pursuing one thing or another--to one degree or another. I'm pursuing a better singing voice, and to do so I'm paying good money (which means cutting back in other areas), spending a lot of time and energy, changing bad habits and thought patterns, and saying "no" to other activities.

When I think of it in these terms, pursuing love doesn't seem so abstract anymore. To love people, I choose certain habits, thoughts, priorities, attitudes, and actions... and say "no" to others.

And I make these choices, not by my own power ('cause I'm pretty dang selfish on my own), but by the power of the Spirit of God who lives in me and "is able to do far more abundantly than all that I ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20).

This pursuit takes work and time and diligence. It doesn't come naturally (at least not to me, it doesn't), and we shouldn't be surprised at how tough it is at times. But boy, is it worth it when you open your mouth and out pops a beautiful note you never thought you'd be able to sing.

Let's pursue loving the people around us today, sweet friends... and enjoy the beauty of the song that God writes with our hearts.

(The picture above is of me with a few college girls I get to hang out with every Friday night. These women are amazing and their lives belt out the most beautiful love songs...)

I don't lose glass slippers

2007-05-16T00:10:00.000-07:00

It's past midnight, and I'm trying desperately to think my way through an overly fatigued haze in an effort to officially introduce my blog.

A blog ought to have a proper beginning, right? A "grand opening" or some such thing?

But you see, when midnight strikes, I don't lose glass slippers. I lose brain waves. All synapses stop synapsing and all activity comes to a screeching halt. (Much like a Southern California freeway.)

So I suppose I'll keep this simple and thank you for stopping by. I do hope this small corner of cyberspace proves to be an encouraging, thought-provoking, tear-jerking, laughter-inducing, faith-inspiring, and oft-visited one.

You, my friends, are the obvious inspiration for my blogging. Until we meet again (and before my coach turns back to a pumpkin)...

Good night.

I like the way this guy thinks.

2007-05-15T23:28:00.000-07:00

"What if it were discovered that fetal tissue were a delicacy? Could you eat it?"

-Stanley Hauerwas' argument against fetal tissue experimentation, as quoted in WORLD Magazine, March 17, 2007

David

2007-05-14T21:37:00.000-07:00

To a man whose love, integrity, purpose, honor, humor, kindness, faithfulness, godliness, and genius have quietly influenced the lives of all around you... Happy 28th birthday! You make me feel like a princess, beloved sister, and treasured friend. You are the brother every girl hopes for.

Happy aging. (I can say that since I'm older.)

Mommers

2007-05-13T00:19:00.000-07:00

Giving birth to me was the easy part. Mom's real labor started once I took my first breath. In fact, I've never figured out why my parents had five more kids after me. I should have been the permanent cure.

I wasn't trouble in the typical way. I was creative in my sin, strong willed, stubborn, and deceptive at a doctoral level. An artistic drama queen, I had more flair and manic tendencies than I knew what to do with, so even at a very young age, I found outlets (like coloring on the walls and stealing popsicles from the freezer). Even now I'm a tough case, and if it weren't for the grace and power and love of God, and His work in my life these many years, I'd be the poster child for sin.

Raising me must have been a perpetual boot camp for my mom. And at 31 years of age, I still give Mom plenty to pray about. It's no wonder then that more than one person has said she is the godliest woman they know. I suppose I can take a bit of credit for that. But I definitely can't take any credit for the fact that God gave me such a mother. That's grace. Mercy. Kindness. Blessing beyond measure...

One of my mom's friends said to her: "Jesus leaks out of you." I'd disagree. Jesus cascades out of my mom like a waterfall. And everyone around her, especially her family, gets gloriously soaking wet in the process.

I have been loved unconditionally, prayed for continually, and shown the precious reality of Christ. I am spoiled rotten. Happy mother's day to you, my dear Mommers.

Mr. J. D. Fish

2007-05-13T00:04:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to a friend who has outgiven, outloved, and outwitted me at every turn. These nine years of friendship have proven to me what I knew from the start: you are an amazing man, and I am blessed to call you my friend.